Red Herring Test for Narcissists

Ever tried having a straight conversation with someone who answers every question by talking about your mother’s casserole, the weather in 1994, or their recent “brilliant” work achievement?

If so, you might have brushed up against the infamous red herring tactic, a favorite tool in the narcissist’s conversational toolkit.

Understanding how narcissists use red herrings can help you spot manipulation before you’re knee-deep in confusion and self-doubt.

The Red Herring Test is your secret decoder ring—subtle, clever, and surprisingly satisfying to use.

Red Herrings Are More Than Fishy Distractions

A red herring isn’t just something your cat might drag in. In conversation, it’s a sneaky way to derail, distract, or deflect.

Narcissists are particularly fond of tossing these out when uncomfortable topics arise, or accountability knocks at the door.

You ask a question about their behavior, and suddenly, you’re discussing your own flaws, the neighbor’s barking dog, or how hard they work to keep your relationship afloat.

You blink, and the original topic is halfway to Timbuktu.

Recognizing these conversational curveballs is the first step to outsmarting the narcissist’s game.

The Anatomy of a Narcissist’s Red Herring

Red herrings come in all shapes and sizes—some are subtle, others about as subtle as a marching band in your living room.

Here’s what to watch for:

• Sudden change of subject: You want to talk about last night’s argument, but suddenly, you’re debating who left the lights on.
• Accusations: Your concern about their broken promise? Redirected to a deep dive into a list of your own past mistakes.
• Victimhood: Mention your feelings—prepare to be told that you’re the one hurting them.
• Sensational stories: You bring up your needs. They counter with their latest grand misfortune, demanding everyone’s sympathy.

Narcissists use these tactics to dodge accountability and keep control firmly in their own hands.

Why Narcissists Love Red Herrings

Accountability? Not their favorite flavor. Narcissists rely on red herrings for a few key reasons:

• Shifting Blame: It’s always easier to point fingers than to look in the mirror.
• Avoiding Vulnerability: Discussing real feelings or mistakes? Not on their bingo card.
• Maintaining Power: If you’re off-balance, they’re on top.

This isn’t just bad manners. It’s a deeply ingrained strategy developed to maintain their own version of reality, where they’re always right, always wronged, and never to blame.

How to Give a Red Herring Test

The Red Herring Test isn’t a Buzzfeed quiz—it’s more of a conversational experiment. Here’s how it works:

Start with a direct, emotionally honest question or comment. Something like, “When you did X, I felt Y—can we talk about it?” Then, pay close attention.

A healthy, non-narcissistic partner might be uncomfortable, but they’ll stick with the subject. You might get an apology, a discussion, maybe even a hug.

A narcissist, on the other hand, gets slippery. Deflections, accusations, and unrelated emotional outbursts pile up faster than dishes after a dinner party.

If this happens consistently—congratulations. You’ve just run your own Red Herring Test.

Spotting Red Herrings in Action

These aren’t always obvious. Sometimes, a narcissist’s red herring is subtle, disguised as caring or concern.

For example, you say, “I felt hurt when you ignored me at the party.”
They reply, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive. I must be a terrible person. Maybe you’d be happier with someone else.”
Suddenly, you’re comforting them—and your original hurt is left unaddressed.

Or, “Why did you cancel our plans last minute?”
“Do you have any idea how hard work has been lately? I’m doing my best and you never appreciate it.”

See the pattern? Each time, your topic is abandoned like a half-eaten sandwich.

Don’t Bite the Bait

The Red Herring Test only works if you don’t chase after every shiny distraction. Narcissists want you to argue about their new topic—a game you can’t win.

Instead, try these responses:

• “I hear you, but I’d like to stick to what I just asked.”
• “We can talk about that later. Right now, I want to focus on what happened last night.”
• “That’s important, but I still need an answer to my question.”

This is tough. You’ll probably get more red herrings, maybe even a tantrum. Stay steady—don’t be lured off-course.

When the Red Herring Test Fails

Good news: if your partner keeps flinging distractions, the test is working. Bad news: you’re probably dealing with someone unwilling or unable to engage honestly.

If, after several tries, discussions always boomerang back to your flaws, their hardship, or some unrelated drama, you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a monologue disguised as a duet.

This might hurt. It also gives you clarity. Narcissists aren’t likely to change without serious intervention (and therapy, which they’ll claim they don’t need).

Other Red Herring Tactics to Watch For

Sometimes the red herring is less about outright deflection and more about sowing confusion.

• Word salad: Sentences that sound profound but mean nothing.
• False equivalence: “Well, you forgot my birthday two years ago, so we’re even.”
• Whataboutism: “What about your friend who does the same thing?”
• Jokes or mockery: Turning the conversation into stand-up comedy to avoid sincerity.

Each tactic is aimed at exhausting you, making confrontation feel pointless. You end up doubting your memory, your feelings, even your own sanity.

Building Your Red Herring Resistance

Once you spot these maneuvers, you can start building better boundaries.

• Practice assertiveness: Calmly repeat your question or feeling.
• Refuse to be sidetracked: If they change the topic, steer it back.
• Document patterns: Keep a journal. Patterns become harder to deny when you see them in black and white.
• Seek outside perspective: Trusted friends, a therapist, or support group can remind you it’s not “just you.”

You’re not being unreasonable—you’re just asking for basic respect.

Can Narcissists Ever Pass the Test?

You might wonder, “What if they’re just having a bad day?” Fair question. Everyone gets defensive sometimes.

The difference? Occasional defensiveness means the subject can be revisited later—maybe with more honesty and less drama. Narcissists make red herrings their default setting.

Consistent use of these tactics isn’t just a rough patch—it’s a relationship dynamic that’s unlikely to shift without a seismic event (or several years in therapy).

Should You Stay or Should You Go

Staring down the Red Herring Test, you might feel a twinge of hope, a flash of regret, or a stubborn desire to stick it out.

Only you know your limits.

But if every honest conversation circles the drain, if you’re always apologizing for things you didn’t do, and if you feel lonelier with your partner than without, it might be time to reconsider the arrangement.

No relationship should feel like a never-ending argument with a particularly slippery politician.

Moving Forward With Clarity

The Red Herring Test won’t fix a narcissist, but it will save you precious time and energy. You deserve directness, respect, and some basic emotional reciprocity.

Next time you catch yourself inexplicably debating ancient history or your own “overreactions,” try your new test. Watch the patterns. Trust your gut.

And if those red herrings keep swimming your way, remember: you’ve got options. Your peace of mind is worth more than winning an argument you never started.

Relationships are messy, but they shouldn’t leave you feeling like you’re always one step behind a master illusionist.

Here’s to conversations where you actually get to the point—no red herrings in sight.