How Narcissists Manipulate ‘Equality’ Talk

Sometimes, the idea of equality in relationships sounds as comforting as your favorite pair of sweatpants—everyone wants a fair go, right?

But when narcissists get involved, even the noblest ideals can be twisted tighter than a pretzel at Oktoberfest.

Ready for a reality check? The language of equality—“We should both pull our weight!” or “Everything should be 50/50!”—is often hijacked by narcissists.

The phrase starts to mean something very different when it’s filtered through a self-centered worldview.

Here’s how it happens, why it hurts, and how to keep your sense of fairness from becoming roadkill.

Equality, But Only When It Benefits Them

When narcissists talk equality, what they often mean is “I want what’s fair when it suits me, and I want special treatment when it doesn’t.”

They’ll trot out phrases about fairness and balance when it’s about chores, finances, or whose turn it is to apologise.

Take the classic: “If you expect me to listen to your work stories, you should listen to mine.”

Sounds reasonable, until you realise you’ve listened to a 45-minute TED Talk on their lunch order, and your five-minute update gets interrupted by TikTok videos.

This isn’t just nitpicking. Narcissists are masters at using the appearance of fairness to keep the scales permanently tipped.

Moving the Goalposts

Ever feel like the rules of engagement keep changing? That’s not your imagination. A narcissist will often agree to “equal” rules—then shift those rules mid-game.

You might both decide to split housework, but somehow, their half includes “wiping down the remote” while yours looks suspiciously like a second full-time job.

If you protest, you’ll get: “I thought we agreed on equal effort. Why are you complaining?”

The goalposts aren’t just moving—they’re doing the cha-cha.

Selective Memory, Olympic Level

Narcissists have a memory that could win gold at the Selective Olympics. Suddenly, all the times they went above and beyond are engraved on stone tablets, while your contributions are lost in the mists of time.

They’ll recount the single evening they did the dishes last month as if they’d summited Everest. Meanwhile, your daily efforts barely rate a mention.

You might even start doubting your own memory. Spoiler: you’re not losing the plot. That’s just part of the act.

Weaponizing Your Goodwill

If you’re someone who values fairness, you’re extra juicy prey. Narcissists sniff out your desire to “do the right thing” and twist it into a tool for their own benefit.

Ever been guilt-tripped into giving up the last slice of pizza because “I did it for you last week”? Or been roped into extra work because “it’s only fair”?

That’s not equality—it’s emotional blackmail, dressed up in a cheap tuxedo.

Equality as a Smokescreen for Control

Here’s the kicker: all this talk of equality can actually be about control. By insisting on mathematical fairness, narcissists duck out of the messy, unpredictable work of empathy and compromise.

You say, “I’m overwhelmed lately, can you help more?” They reply, “It wouldn’t be equal.” Suddenly, ‘fairness’ is the shield that protects them from having to care.

What’s missing? Humanity. Relationships aren’t spreadsheets—sometimes you need to carry each other.

Shaming and Gaslighting in the Name of Fairness

Ever been accused of being “selfish” or “unfair” when you set a boundary? Narcissists are quick to turn the fairness script on you. They’ll accuse you of hogging attention, being controlling, or not pulling your weight.

This isn’t just annoying—it’s gaslighting. You start questioning whether your needs are excessive or unreasonable. Suddenly, “I need a night off” turns into an existential crisis: “Am I a terrible person?”

Nope. Just someone whose boundaries are being trampled by a master manipulator.

Making Emotional Labor Invisible

Ask a narcissist about emotional labor and watch their eyes glaze over. Taking on the role of therapist, social calendar manager, or peacekeeper? That’s not counted as “real” work in their world.

They’ll argue, “We split the chores, what’s the problem?” Meanwhile, you’re left untangling the family WhatsApp drama and keeping everyone’s birthdays straight.

Equality talk gets boiled down to only what’s measurable or visible—which conveniently leaves out all your invisible effort.

The Illusion of Teamwork

Narcissists love to invoke “teamwork” when it means you’ll do more. Any sign of slack from their end turns into, “Shouldn’t we be equal partners?”

Meanwhile, when you need help, you’ll be told, “Everyone has to look after themselves sometimes.”

It’s a partnership on paper—until it’s time to show up in real life. Suddenly, you’re flying solo.

How to Stay Sane When ‘Equality’ Gets Weaponised

Feeling seen yet? Good. Now, how to keep your own sense of fairness intact, without turning into a doormat?

1. Trust your inner accountant.
Not the one who tracks every little thing, but the one who knows when something just feels off. If the workload, emotional labor, or decision-making always seems to tilt one way, trust your gut.

2. Watch for shifting definitions.
Notice when “fairness” suddenly means something new—especially if it always benefits your partner.

3. Speak in specifics.
When the narcissist says, “We should be equal,” pin them down. “Great! What does that actually look like today? Can we write it out?” Watch as things suddenly get slippery.

4. Don’t apologise for needing support.
Requesting help isn’t a crime. If you’re met with accusations of being needy, self-centered, or unfair, remember: reciprocity is normal. Martyrdom is not.

5. Rally your support squad.
You don’t need to go it alone. Trusted friends, a therapist, or that brutally honest sibling can help you untangle what’s actually happening.

6. Redefine equality for yourself.
You’re allowed to want a relationship that’s fair and humane. Sometimes, that means giving a little more when your partner’s down, and sometimes it means asking for help when it’s your turn to wobble.

When Equality Is a Red Flag

Fairness is essential in a relationship, but when it’s constantly used as a cudgel or bargaining chip, pay attention. “Equality” can become a red flag when:

• Everything is always transactional, never generous.
• Your needs are consistently deprioritised.
• The rules only apply when it benefits them.
• You feel like you’re on trial every time you ask for something.

Love isn’t measured by tally marks. If “equality” in your relationship feels like a zero-sum game, you might be dealing with more than just a stubborn partner.

What Real Equality Looks Like

Genuine equality in a relationship feels flexible, not rigid. It’s about give-and-take, not tit-for-tat.

Some days you carry more, some days they do. It’s marked by generosity, empathy, and a willingness to adapt.

If you’re always having to prove you deserve care, attention, or support, that’s not equality—it’s self-sacrifice.

Reclaiming Your Balance

When narcissists twist equality into a control tactic, it can leave you doubting your sense of fairness, and maybe even your sanity.

Nothing wrong with wanting a partnership where the give and take feels a little more, well, equal.

Keep your eyes open for slippery rules, shifting expectations, and guilt trips dressed up as “just wanting what’s fair.”

Fairness isn’t a weapon. It’s the foundation. And you deserve better than a relationship where ‘equality’ is just code for “I win, you lose.”

Time to call the bluff, trust your instincts, and protect your balance—because real partnership is about more than splitting the bill.

It’s about meeting in the middle, even if that means one of you occasionally ends up with the bigger slice of cake. (And if you picked up the cake, maybe you get first dibs. Just saying.)