How Narcissists Make You Chase Their Approval

Somewhere out there, a narcissist is probably basking in a spotlight fashioned from the nearest available energy source—preferably yours.

While the rest of us are just trying to get through another Tuesday, narcissists are busy orchestrating elaborate emotional Olympics, handing out gold medals only when it suits them.

The catch? That medal you’re chasing might be nothing more than a shiny participation sticker.

If your life, love life, or workplace drama feels suspiciously like an endless audition for someone’s approval, you may be stuck in the narcissist’s game.

Let’s shine a light (one that isn’t battery-operated by their ego) on how narcissists get us running after their validation and what can be done about it.

The Approval Mirage

Narcissists have an uncanny ability to dangle approval just out of reach. Picture that carrot on a stick, but the carrot is occasionally swapped for a withering glance or a backhanded “compliment.”

This creates an addictive cycle: you try harder, do more, say less, rearrange your own needs, all in the hope of finally earning that elusive nod.

Don’t be too hard on yourself—it’s practically psychological magic. Narcissists understand, maybe better than anyone, that approval is a powerful lure.

They sprinkle it sparingly, like salt on bland chicken, making every crumb seem priceless.

The Hot and Cold Routine

If consistency is what you’re after, narcissists would like to offer you a sampler tray of emotional whiplash instead.

One moment, you’re the best thing since TikTok, the next you’re invisible or, worse, in the doghouse for some minor ‘transgression’ (like saying “no” or expressing a feeling).

This unpredictability keeps you on your toes, desperately scanning for signs that you’re back in favor. It’s human nature to crave connection and acceptance, but in this setup, the rules are always changing.

The result: you end up hustling for reassurance—and the narcissist keeps their audience on edge.

Love Bombs, Then Radio Silence

At the start, narcissists often go full-on shower-you-with-love mode. Compliments, attention, texts at all hours… it’s a whirlwind. You’re convinced you’ve met your soulmate or snagged the world’s most enthusiastic boss.

Then, just as suddenly, the flood of attention dries up. No texts. Minimal eye contact. Silence where there was once fanfare. Cue anxiety.

You wonder what went wrong, and before long, you’re working overtime trying to win that affection back.

Spoiler: The love bombs only return at their whim, usually right about when you’re ready to walk away—or when they need something.

Moving the Goalposts

In narcissist-land, the rules are made up and the goals don’t matter—mainly because they keep changing. You may be told you’re “too clingy,” then “not attentive enough.”

Your sense of self gets battered as you attempt to adjust, yet somehow always seem to come up short.

Stuck in this perpetual scramble, you chase approval not because you’re needy, but because the finish line never stays put. It’s exhausting. (And you’re not imagining it.)

Gaslighting for Extra Sparkle

Was it really your fault, or did someone just rewrite reality on you? Enter gaslighting: the narcissist’s favorite party trick.

Moments that seemed straightforward become murky. You’re told you’re “too sensitive” or “misremembering things.” The aim? To make you doubt your experience—and keep you dependent on their version of events.

When you’re not sure what’s real, you’re far more likely to seek their approval as a lifeline.

Withholding Affirmation

Ever found yourself performing emotional gymnastics just to earn a passing “thanks” or smile? Withholding basic affirmation is a classic narcissist move.

Where most relationships run on a steady stream of mutual encouragement, narcissists treat affirmation like rare truffles. The less they give, the more valuable it feels—at least, that’s the trick. You bend over backwards for just a taste.

Triangulation: Bringing in a Third

Narcissists can’t resist the drama of a love triangle—even if the “third” is an ex, a friend, or their own mother. They’ll compare you to others, real or imagined, subtly (or not so subtly) making you feel like you’re auditioning for a role that’s already been cast.

This breeds insecurity and ramps up your efforts for approval. Suddenly, you’re competing for attention that should be a given.

The Occasional Bread Crumb

Right when you’re about to call it quits, the narcissist will toss you a morsel of affection: a text, a sweet word, a random act of kindness. This isn’t generosity—it’s strategy.

Tiny tokens keep hope alive, convincing you that maybe, just maybe, you’re close to finally “earning” their full approval. This intermittent reinforcement is straight from the psychological playbook of slot machines.

Playing the Victim

Let’s not forget the Oscar-worthy performances. When criticized, narcissists often pivot to victimhood. Suddenly, your attempt at honest feedback becomes an “attack,” and they’re wounded beyond measure.

Cue guilt (yours) and a flurry of effort to make things right. Approval becomes not just a want, but a necessity—to prove you’re not the villain in their story.

Criticism in Disguise

Feedback from a narcissist rarely comes packaged with a bow. Instead, expect “helpful” critiques that sound a lot like subtle (or not-so-subtle) put-downs.

They’ll question your choices, undermine your confidence, or act unimpressed when you succeed.

Before long, you’re not just chasing approval—you’re fighting to prove you’re good enough in the first place.

Eroding Boundaries

Narcissists don’t just move the goalposts—they’ll take a sledgehammer to your boundaries for good measure.

Requests that would be considered unreasonable anywhere else are served up as standard, and when you push back, the pushback itself becomes a reason for them to withdraw approval.

Standing your ground (or even remembering where your ground is) becomes tricky when you’re conditioned to believe that saying “no” means losing their affection.

The Illusion of Exclusivity

Narcissists love to make you feel like you’re the only one who “gets” them, or that your relationship is somehow extra special. The catch? That exclusivity can be revoked at any moment, often when you least expect it.

Now, you’re working double-time to stay in their good graces, anxious to maintain your “special” status. If you’ve ever felt like you’re one misstep away from being persona non grata, you’re not alone.

Why It Works on Smart, Capable People

Plenty of clever, emotionally intelligent folks find themselves falling for these tactics. The reason? Narcissists exploit basic human needs for connection, safety, and validation.

Add a sprinkle of well-timed charm and a dash of emotional unpredictability, and even the most self-assured person can get hooked on the chase.

What Can Be Done Tonight

Ready to swap the hamster wheel for a comfy armchair?

Setting yourself free isn’t about outsmarting the narcissist with their own tricks. It’s about shifting your focus back to your own needs, values, and self-worth. (No, this isn’t just bumper-sticker wisdom.)

• Spot the patterns: Naming the behavior helps break its spell. If you’re seeing a pattern of hot-and-cold affection or goalpost-moving, remind yourself it’s not about you.
• Reclaim your boundaries: Stand firm, even if it shakes things up. A narcissist might pout, but sticking to your limits teaches your nervous system that you can handle the fallout.
• Affirm yourself, out loud if necessary: Start tallying up your own wins, big and small. The only approval that sticks is the kind you give yourself.
• Don’t argue reality: If you catch yourself rewriting your memories or apologizing for things you didn’t do, pause. Trust your gut.
• Limit contact when possible: Emotional distance can be just as powerful as physical distance. Redefine your interactions, even if you’re co-parenting or working together.
• Seek outside support: There’s no medal for “toughing it out alone.” Friends, therapists, and support groups get it—and they won’t move the goalposts.

The Freedom of No Longer Chasing

Escaping the endless race for a narcissist’s approval isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about realizing you never signed up for the race in the first place.

Once you stop chasing, the silence feels shocking at first—then increasingly peaceful. With time, that desperate scramble for crumbs is replaced by a feast of self-acceptance.

Now, the only approval you’ll need is the kind you see in the mirror every morning.

And that, my friend, is a medal worth holding onto.