How They Talk About Exes – The Hidden Red Flags
Nobody expects a date to wax poetic about their old flames, but how someone talks about their exes is a little like peeking at the label on a mystery can—you might get sweet peaches, you might get something that smells like regret and broken promises.
Relationships leave a mark, and the way someone brings up their romantic history can tell you a lot more than you might think.
Ready to read between the lines (or listen between the sips of Pinot)? You’ll want to notice what’s missing, what’s repeated, and what feels just a little off.
Here’s how to spot those sneaky red flags before they take over your love life.
The Ex Is Always the Villain
Meeting someone whose exes sound like cartoon supervillains? One was a compulsive liar, another was “crazy” (there’s that word), another stole a houseplant and their heart?
It’s tempting to nod along, especially if your date seems charming, vulnerable, or just really, really wronged.
But when every story paints your new love interest as the innocent bystander in a parade of disasters, it’s time to wonder who’s directing this soap opera.
Why’s this a red flag?Consistently blaming ex-partners hints at a lack of self-reflection.
Healthy people own at least some of their relationship messiness. Narcissistic folks—well, they tend to outsource all their drama.
Tonight, if you find yourself hearing tale after tale about the Bad Ex, try tossing a gentle question into the mix: “What do you think you learned from that relationship?”
Pay attention to whether they have any insight, or just more villain stories.
Zero Accountability
A little self-deprecation never hurt anyone. “I was a bit of a jerk in my twenties.” “We both made mistakes.” Now that’s music to the ears of anyone who’s had an actual relationship.
But if your date never admits a single flaw or misstep, it’s like watching someone edit themselves out of every photo.
Sure, everyone wants to look good on a first date, but never taking responsibility is a classic move for someone who lacks empathy—or worse, thinks they’re never wrong.
Expecting to hear something real, like “I could have communicated better” or “I was too focused on work”?
If all you get are stories where they’re the shining hero in a tragic romance, you’re actually getting a sneak peek of how future disagreements will go. Spoiler alert: the blame won’t be shared.
They Can’t Stop Talking About Their Ex
Some people bring up an ex so often, you start to wonder if there’s a third person at the table. Maybe you know what their ex liked to eat, hated to watch, or did for a living before you even hear about their own favorite band.
A little nostalgia or context is fine—but constant ex chatter is code for unfinished business. It might signal they’re still emotionally tangled, or just can’t move on.
Sometimes it’s less obvious: comparisons slip in, or they mention “we” when they mean “me.”
Either way, you’re not signing up to play therapist or understudy. If the ex stories never end, it’s a sign your date’s rearview mirror is bigger than their windshield.
The Ex Is Put On a Pedestal
On the flip side, some dates can’t stop praising their exes. “She was brilliant.” “He was the kindest soul.” Every sentence is as syrupy as a pancake breakfast.
If you start to feel like you’re at an ex’s fan club meeting, ask yourself: why are they still so starry-eyed about someone they broke up with?
Sometimes this means your date is stuck in the past, still comparing everyone to that supposed “perfect” ex. Other times, it’s a subtle way to keep you on your toes.
Narcissists can use this to manipulate, keeping you in competition with someone no longer even in the picture. You deserve to be appreciated for who you are, not as a candidate in an endless audition.
Vague or Evasive Answers
Ever ask, “What happened with your last relationship?” and get a reply like, “It just didn’t work out” or “We grew apart,” without a hint of detail?
Maybe you try again, and the answer’s even foggier.
Sometimes that’s just nerves, or a desire for privacy. But if your date never gives any specifics—not even a hint—it can signal a lack of honesty, or a past they don’t want to own.
When someone can’t share even a sanitized version of their breakup, you’re left wondering what’s really being hidden.
Trust is built on openness. If you keep getting blanks, your gut won’t thank you later.
Excessive Trash-Talking
There’s candor, and then there’s bitterness dressed as honesty. Has your date ever described an ex using language better suited to a pub fight than a civil conversation?
Words like “psycho,” “gold-digger,” “manipulative,” or “useless” shouldn’t come up in polite company—especially when talking about someone they once cared for.
People don’t need to like their exes, but relentless trashing says a lot more about the speaker than the subject. It’s a sign of unresolved anger and a lack of compassion, often used to control the narrative or get sympathy.
One day, you might be the ex in question. (That one stings, doesn’t it?)
The Ex Is Always “Crazy”
Let’s talk about the infamous “crazy ex” label. Used too often, it’s the relationship world’s red warning sticker.
Calling someone “crazy” erases any nuance or accountability. Narcissists love this word because it shifts every ounce of blame and makes themselves look oh-so-sane by comparison.
Even when said with a laugh or an eye roll, it’s lazy and dismissive—and often a cover for their own bad behavior.
If every ex is “crazy,” ask yourself: is it likely that every single former partner had a meltdown? Or is it more likely that your date has a talent for driving people round the bend?
Overly Detailed Sob Stories
Some people come armed with a breakup monologue, rehearsed to tug at your heartstrings. You’ll hear about the betrayals, the heartbreak, even the color of the wallpaper when it all fell apart.
Sure, vulnerability is attractive, but if the story is told with Oscar-worthy drama—and especially if the ex is painted as a monster—it’s a form of manipulation.
Narcissists love to craft a narrative that makes them the eternal victim, fishing for your sympathy and loyalty.
If these tales make you feel responsible for fixing what some stranger did, check yourself. Nobody needs to become the emotional repair shop for their date.
What’s the Pattern?
One bad breakup? It happens. A string of suspiciously similar sob stories? Now we’re in red flag territory.
Patterns matter more than isolated stories. If every ex is a narcissist, every relationship ended in betrayal, or every split was “all their fault,” it’s time to question whether your date is the common denominator.
Ask gently about the other relationships. If each chapter ends with a scapegoat and your date as the poor, misunderstood hero, you’ve likely uncovered more about their mindset than they realize.
No Mention of Exes at All
It’s possible to swing too far in the other direction.
Ever been out with someone who acts like they were hatched freshly from an egg, with no romantic history whatsoever? “Oh, I don’t really talk about my exes.” End of conversation.
Some privacy is healthy. But refusing to acknowledge any previous relationships can be its own warning sign.
It might mean avoidance, shame, or a pattern of refusing to process the past. Worse, it can be a tactic to keep you in the dark.
A healthy partner has a past, owns it, and isn’t afraid to mention it when it’s relevant. Total silence? That’s not mysterious—it’s suspicious.
Exes and Future Promises
How someone talks about their ex also clues you in to how they might talk about you down the line. If it’s all blame games and bitterness, picture yourself in a year, being described over drinks as “the one who ruined everything.”
Doesn’t exactly scream fairy tale, does it?
Pay attention to whether your date shows basic respect, even for those they no longer love. That’s the best sign of someone who can handle life’s bumps without running over the people in their rearview.
Moving Forward With Your Eyes Open
Spotting red flags in how someone dishes about their exes isn’t about paranoia or playing detective. It’s about listening for patterns, noticing what’s missing, and trusting your gut when something feels off.
Healthy people have complicated relationship histories—they might share lessons learned, even a regret or two. They’ll show empathy, and maybe some humor about their own shortcomings.
If you find yourself wading through villain stories, endless “crazy ex” tales, or emotional manipulation, don’t ignore the signals. You deserve someone who’s grown from their past, not someone who rewrites it at every turn.
Next time the topic of exes comes up, listen closely—and don’t be afraid to ask yourself who’s really telling the truth. Your future self might thank you for paying attention now.
