Narcissist Flying Monkeys: How to Deal

Ever tried to leave a narcissist, only to be ambushed by their adoring sidekicks? Cue the “flying monkeys”—not cute, not helpful, and absolutely not what your therapist ordered.

If you’re stuck in a confusing web of drama, guilt trips, and unsolicited opinions courtesy of a narcissist’s loyal crew, you’re in the right spot.

Let’s pull back the curtain on flying monkeys and figure out how you can handle them—without losing your mind (or your sense of humor).

Who Are These Flying Monkeys and Why Are They Everywhere?

Flying monkeys aren’t actual primates with a penchant for airborne mischief (though wouldn’t that be easier?). They’re usually mutual friends, colleagues, or even your own relatives.

The narcissist recruits them, intentionally or not, to do their bidding—delivering messages, guilt-tripping, snooping, or spreading outrageously creative tales about you.

Some flying monkeys know exactly what they’re doing and seem to relish the drama. Others are clueless, convinced they’re just “helping” or trying to keep the peace. Either way, their interference stings.

Picture the narcissist as the playwright, and the flying monkeys as the overly enthusiastic amateur actors. And you? Sadly, you’re the unwitting star of this low-budget soap opera.

Why Narcissists Need Their Flying Monkeys

Narcissists thrive on control and attention. When you start breaking away, they lose their grip—so they send in the monkeys.

These folks amplify the narcissist’s narrative, making you the villain of an imaginary plot. It keeps the narcissist’s ego fed and their hands (seemingly) squeaky clean.

Without flying monkeys, the narcissist’s stories would fall apart. With them, it’s like they’ve hired a PR team hell-bent on making you look like Cruella de Vil—when all you really want is a quiet cuppa and some peace.

Classic Flying Monkey Moves (And the Chaos They Cause)

Flying monkeys show up in all sorts of disguises. Maybe it’s your cousin who suddenly feels compelled to tell you the narcissist “is just so hurt.”

Or perhaps it’s a mutual friend who starts grilling you about every detail of your breakup, all while passing those juicy tidbits right back to the narcissist.

Popular monkey tricks include:

• Guilt-tripping (“You’re tearing the family apart!”)
• Gaslighting (“Are you sure that happened? They seemed so upset.”)
• Spying (“Just checking in! How are you really?”)
• Smear campaigns (“Everyone thinks you’re being unreasonable.”)

One minute, you’re living your best life. The next, you’re starring in a bizarre group text therapy session you never asked for.

How to Spot a Flying Monkey in the Wild

Ever get a message that feels suspiciously loaded? Is someone suddenly interested in your side of the story—while already acting like they know the ending? That’s a clue. Flying monkeys tend to:

• Echo the narcissist’s exact words or complaints
• Push you for details you’d rather not share
• Show sudden, intense concern for the narcissist’s wellbeing (but not yours)
• Try to manipulate you into forgiving or reconnecting

Trust your instincts. If something’s off, it probably is.

Setting Boundaries That Actually Work

Here’s a fun fact: flying monkeys hate boundaries. Suddenly, your refusal to overshare or play therapist is seen as “cold” or “unreasonable.” Too bad—your peace of mind isn’t up for debate.

Try these options on for size:

• Keep responses boring and brief (“Thanks for your concern. I’m fine.”)
• Don’t explain or justify your decisions
• Block or mute persistent offenders (your phone, your rules)
• Meet in public if you must meet at all

You’re not obligated to make anyone else comfortable, especially if their comfort comes at your expense.

When Flying Monkeys Are Family

Family flying monkeys can crank the guilt dial up to eleven. Suddenly, every dinner invitation is a test, and every group chat is a minefield.

“But we’re family!” is their battle cry—right before lobbing another emotional grenade your way.

Remember: you get to choose who has access to you, even if you share DNA.

If Aunt Sheila wants to play messenger for your narcissistic ex, it’s perfectly fine to “forget” to return her calls until she gets the hint. (Selective amnesia: it’s not just for politicians!)

Grey Rocking Like a Pro

Ever wish you could turn invisible? While that’s not possible (unless you’re a Marvel character), you can become the next best thing: extremely uninteresting.

The “grey rock” method means making yourself as boring as a three-day-old sandwich. No big reactions, no juicy details, no drama.

After a while, most flying monkeys lose interest and flutter off to find a new source of entertainment.

Pro tip: This works best when combined with strict boundaries. Don’t give them anything to gossip about.

What If the Flying Monkey Doesn’t Know They’re a Flying Monkey?

Some people genuinely think they’re helping. They might not realize they’re being manipulated. If you value the relationship and think a conversation could help, keep it light:

• “I’d rather not discuss this with you.”
• “I know you mean well, but I need space.”
• “Please don’t relay my personal business to anyone else.”

If they keep at it? Time to review the boundary section above.

Smear Campaign Survival Guide

Narcissists love spinning tales, and flying monkeys are their eager audience. Suddenly, you’re the villain, and the narcissist is the misunderstood hero. Frustrating, isn’t it?

The best way to handle this circus: let your actions speak louder than their words. True friends and family will notice who’s stirring the pot.

You don’t have to defend yourself to everyone—save your energy for the folks who matter and let the rest fall away.

When to Cut Off Contact (And When to Hold Your Ground)

Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away. If certain flying monkeys just won’t quit, it’s okay to block, mute, or avoid them.

Think of it as clearing out toxic clutter. You deserve emotional breathing room.

If you can’t cut them out completely—due to work, custody, or unavoidable overlap—keep things polite but impersonal.

Surface-level chat. No confessions, no emotional debates. They can’t weaponize what they don’t know.

Taking Care of Yourself Is Non-Negotiable

Dealing with a narcissist’s network is exhausting. Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. Whether that means ranting to a friend, blitzing through a season of your favorite trashy TV, or treating yourself to actual therapy, you’ve earned it.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling hurt or angry about the circus. Even seasoned professionals find these situations draining. The key? Prioritize your wellbeing, always.

New Relationships and Old Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys have been known to pop up even after you’ve moved on. Maybe your new partner gets a weird message, or mutual friends try to drag you back into the drama.

Time to reinforce those boundaries and remind yourself: new life, new rules.

You don’t owe anyone explanations about your happiness. If someone tries to drag you into old gossip, it’s perfectly fine to say, “That’s in the past—I’m focused on the present.”

One Last Word About Empathy

You might be tempted to feel sorry for the flying monkeys. After all, some are being played just as much as you were. But empathy doesn’t mean sacrificing your sanity.

It’s okay to wish them well—from afar. Your responsibility is to yourself first.

If they wise up and want out? Great. If not? That’s their journey.

Moving Forward Without the Circus

Surviving narcissist flying monkeys takes grit, patience, and a decent sense of humor. While you can’t control who the narcissist recruits, you can decide how much access these folks have to your time, attention, and story.

Your life isn’t a soap opera, and you’re not obligated to play the villain. Focus on building connections with people who actually care about your wellbeing, not just the latest episode of Drama Central.

Flying monkeys will always be out there—but with healthy boundaries, a rock-solid sense of self, and a pinch of sarcasm, you’ll be well-equipped to keep your peace (and maybe even enjoy that cuppa in silence).