How Narcissists Make You Work for Their Love
Falling for a narcissist is a bit like signing up for a never-ending game show, except the rules keep changing, the prizes are imaginary, and you always seem to land in the “try again” round.
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering why you feel like you’re jumping through hoops just to earn a bit of affection, you’re definitely not alone—and you’re not going mad.
Welcome to the thrilling, thoroughly exhausting performance known as Loving a Narcissist.
The Bait and Switch
Narcissists don’t just stroll into your life, announce their intentions, and ask for a spot on your couch. They woo, charm, and dazzle.
Early days are all about grand gestures, attention, and the intoxicating feeling that you are, at last, someone’s entire universe.
Then—just as you’re cozying up in the warm bubble of their affection—the air goes out. Those adoring texts? Now replaced with silence. Compliments? Sparser than a polite British summer.
Suddenly, the dazzling partner who couldn’t get enough of you is a little…off. And you start wondering what you did wrong, or how to get back to the good old days.
It’s classic bait and switch, and you’re left clutching at the memory of the affection that got you hooked.
The Moving Goalposts
Ever feel like you’re almost, nearly, so-close-to “getting it right”? That’s by design. Narcissists are experts at shifting the criteria for love and approval.
Maybe yesterday you got praised for being spontaneous. Today, that same spontaneous dinner suggestion sparks an eye roll and a reminder that they “hate surprises.”
The rules change depending on their mood, their needs, or maybe just the phase of the moon. Keeping up is impossible, but somehow, you end up blaming yourself for not cracking the code.
Conditional Affection as Currency
Healthy love feels like a warm, steady fire—give and take, ups and downs, but ultimately reliable. Narcissistic love is more like a vending machine that keeps eating your coins.
Displays of affection, empathy, or even basic politeness are handed out when you meet their demands. Fall short, and suddenly you’re staring at a blank screen, wondering what happened to your snack.
Affection becomes something to be earned, not given freely. You start keeping a mental checklist: Did I say the right thing? Was I supportive enough? Did I make them proud?
Over time, you find yourself working harder for scraps of love that were once handed out for free.
Gaslighting Till Tuesday
Ever found yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do, thinking you’re too sensitive, or doubting your memory? Narcissists will have you second-guessing your own reality so often, you’ll start to think your name is actually Sorry.
Gaslighting is more than just a buzzword—it’s a favorite tool. If you call out their behavior, suddenly, you’re the problem. You’re told you “misunderstood,” “overreacted,” or—my personal favorite—are just “too emotional.”
Over time, you learn to question your feelings, tiptoe around topics, and strive even harder to win their elusive approval.
Playing Favorites and Triangulation
Narcissists love a good triangle, and not the musical kind. One of their favorite tactics is to make you feel like you’re constantly competing for their attention.
Maybe it’s a friend, an ex, or even a coworker who’s suddenly the standard you’re measured against.
They drop comparisons like breadcrumbs, keeping you perpetually off-balance and desperate to prove your worth. Why settle for feeling secure when you can be kept just anxious enough to try harder?
Withholding as a Weapon
Silent treatment, anyone? Emotional cold shoulders? Narcissists are pros at withholding affection, attention, and communication when you don’t play by their rules.
This isn’t just giving each other space—it’s a calculated move designed to make you chase their approval and question what you did to deserve the chill.
You find yourself bending, apologizing, and strategizing just to thaw the freeze, all the while believing if you just work a bit harder, you’ll get back in their good books.
The Illusion of Scarcity
Somewhere along the line, it starts to feel like their love is the last bottle of water at a desert music festival. Scarcity is part of the magic trick.
Compliments, quality time, even simple affection are handed out sparingly, so each moment feels precious—and you end up obsessing over how to get more.
Instead of expecting consistent kindness, you’re left feeling grateful for the crumbs. (Congratulations, you’ve been trained by a master illusionist.)
Turning it All Back on You
Narcissists have a sixth sense for twisting the narrative. Bring up an issue? Suddenly, you’re the one who’s always “making problems” or “never satisfied.”
Any attempt to address the imbalance is spun as evidence that you’re demanding, needy, or—wait for it—selfish.
This is weaponized guilt at its finest. The focus shifts from their behavior to your supposed failings, keeping you stuck in a cycle of self-blame and self-improvement projects you never signed up for.
Making You Earn Forgiveness
Everyone messes up. In healthy relationships, apologies and forgiveness are two-way streets. With a narcissist, forgiveness is a currency you must earn—sometimes through elaborate apologies, groveling, or even grand gestures.
Meanwhile, their own mistakes are minimized or erased with a casual shrug or some creative storytelling. Guess who’s still jumping through hoops for harmony?
Keeping You Guessing
Consistency isn’t exactly a word in the narcissist’s dictionary. Sweet one day, cold the next. Over-the-top loving, then suddenly distant.
This unpredictability keeps you on edge, always guessing what mood is waiting for you at home or on the other end of a text.
Instead of relaxing into the relationship, you become a master at reading tiny cues and walking on eggshells.
It’s exhausting, but you keep playing, because every once in a while, they come through with just enough sweetness to convince you it’s worth the effort.
Training You to Please
Over time, you stop wondering what makes you happy. The focus shifts entirely to figuring out what will keep them pleased and, hopefully, loving.
Your needs, boundaries, and desires shrink to fit the tiny space left after their demands are met.
People-pleasing becomes your default, even outside the relationship. You lose yourself trying to be someone who finally earns their love. (Spoiler: That person doesn’t exist.)
How to Hop Off the Hamster Wheel
If you’re reading this and nodding like a bobblehead, it’s probably time to ask yourself a few inconvenient questions.
Like, why are you working so hard for something that should be given freely? Even more awkward: what would happen if you stopped over-functioning?
Sticking around in a narcissistic relationship means accepting that the love you crave is always going to be contingent on performance.
There’s no amount of love, loyalty, or emotional gymnastics that will change the script—they’re not going to wake up and start loving unconditionally. You deserve better, and deep down, you know it.
Here’s the painfully simple truth: healthy love doesn’t make you chase it. It doesn’t set traps or change the rules midgame. If someone keeps moving the finish line, maybe it’s time to step off the track altogether.
Now, I’m not saying you need to text them a breakup haiku or start throwing their belongings out the window tonight (tempting, though).
But boundaries? Those are your new best friend.
Start by noticing the patterns. Name the game. Stop playing by their rules and, if you can swing it, start designing your own.
Prioritize your needs for once, even if it feels a bit rebellious.
Reach out to people who actually make you feel seen—without the emotional price tag. And don’t be afraid to get some outside help, because “loving a narcissist” is not the sort of self-help challenge anyone should have to master solo.
Love Isn’t Meant to Be an Endless Audition
Relationships aren’t supposed to feel like a never-ending audition for affection. If the price of love is constant self-doubt and emotional cartwheels, it’s time to rethink the show you’ve been starring in.
No one should have to earn basic kindness, respect, or tenderness—not tonight, not ever.
If you’re working harder for their love than you are at your actual job, consider this your permission slip to clock out and seek the real thing.
The standing ovation is overdue, and this time it’s for you.
