9 Ways Narcissists Make You Defend Them
Ever found yourself arguing with a friend, your mother, or even your cat about how someone in your life really isn’t that bad? Maybe you’ve offered up excuses like, “He’s just under a lot of stress!” or “She doesn’t mean it that way.”
If this sounds familiar, you might be tangled up in the web of a narcissist’s favorite magic trick: making others defend them, even when all signs say you should run for the hills (or at least to a really good therapist).
Here’s how these charmers pull it off—so you can stop playing defense and start living on your own team.
1. Trap You With Their “Tragic” Backstory
Narcissists have a gift for spinning their life story so it sounds like a soap opera with extra tears. Childhood was impossibly hard, every ex was a villain, and apparently, their pet goldfish once betrayed them.
The point? Elicit your sympathy. When they act selfish or cruel, you catch yourself saying, “Well, after what they’ve been through, can you blame them?”
Suddenly you’re the PR rep for their bad behavior, explaining away the subtleties of their tragic journey to every doubter.
2. Master the Art of the “Misunderstood Genius”
Ever noticed how some folks are always just too deep for the rest of us mere mortals? That’s narcissist 101.
If someone takes offense or pushes back, it’s never their fault—their ideas are just too advanced, their jokes too witty, their intentions too pure for the common crowd.
You get roped into defending them by translating their “complexities” for the world. “He’s not rude, he’s just blunt!” Or, “She’s not ignoring you, she’s just on another intellectual level.”
You sound like the world’s worst spin doctor and you’re not even getting paid for it.
3. Use Guilt Like an Olympic Sport
Guilt trips aren’t just for your nan. Narcissists can guilt you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all before noon.
You’re told how much they’ve done for you. How ungrateful you must be to ever criticize them. If you don’t leap in to defend them when others call out their behavior, you’re the one with no loyalty or heart.
Before you know it, you’re defending them just to avoid feeling like the human equivalent of a soggy tissue.
4. Gaslight You Into Questioning Reality
Ever been so confused you started writing apology notes for things you didn’t do? Gaslighting is the narcissist’s favorite party trick.
They’ll suggest you misread everything—if they hurt your feelings, it’s your fault for being “too sensitive.” If they lie, you’re “misremembering.”
Once you start doubting yourself, it’s easy to believe they can’t possibly be as bad as people say—so you stand up for them, certain that everyone else just “doesn’t get it.”
Spoiler: They totally get it.
5. Play the Victim When the Heat’s On
Caught in the act? Time for tears, dramatic exits, and Oscar-worthy declarations of how everyone is out to get them.
Suddenly you’re not just defending them, you’re fighting an unjust world on their behalf. The more outrageous their “persecution,” the more you rush in to right the wrongs.
The whole circus keeps spinning—all while they’re the ringmaster, eating popcorn, watching you do the work.
6. Flatter You Into Partnership
Everyone wants to feel special. Narcissists know this, so they shower you with praise, promise you’re the only one who really understands them, and build you up as their loyal sidekick.
You end up defending them for the same reason Batman keeps inviting Robin—loyalty, flattery, and a sense of shared mission. It feels good until you realize the Batmobile only goes where they want.
7. Turn Everyone Else Into the Enemy
Narcissists love a good “us vs. them” story. Friends, family, colleagues—suddenly everyone else is a hater, a manipulator, or just plain jealous.
You feel responsible to protect your “poor, misunderstood” partner or friend from all these supposed enemies. If someone criticizes them, you leap to their defense like a bouncer at a dodgy nightclub.
Because surely, the rest of the world just doesn’t see what you see.
8. Rewrite History with a Straight Face
Didn’t they say that awful thing at the party last month? Nope, apparently you’re remembering it wrong. In fact, according to them, they made everyone laugh, saved a puppy, and invented a new cocktail recipe.
Gaslighting’s annoying cousin, rewriting history keeps you questioning your own memory and defending them to others—“I was there, I don’t think it happened like that…”
Even as your own brain starts to feel like a bowl of overcooked noodles.
9. Threaten Withdrawal or Meltdown
Try setting a boundary and watch the fireworks. Narcissists are experts at threatening to leave, stonewalling, or even having a dramatic meltdown if you don’t go to bat for them.
The fear of losing them (or just ending the drama) pushes you into their corner. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior just to keep the peace.
At this point, it’s less about loyalty and more about emotional survival.
Picking Up Your Pom-Poms (And Putting Them Down)
Defending a narcissist can feel like a full-time job with terrible benefits.
If you’ve found yourself justifying, explaining, or rewriting history for someone else, pause and ask: Whose needs are you really serving? And at what cost to yourself?
It’s not your job to be anyone’s human shield. Healthy relationships (romantic, platonic, or the ones you have with your local barista) don’t require a constant PR campaign.
If this list hit a little too close to home, there’s no shame in reassessing the role you’re playing—and deciding if you’d rather spend your energy somewhere it’s genuinely appreciated.
Like on yourself. Or, you know, arguing with your cat. At least the cat’s honest about it.
