9 Questions That Instantly Reveal Narcissists

Ever wish you had a narcissist metal detector? Something discreet you could wave over a first date, a coworker, or—dare I say—a mother-in-law, and get a loud beep if there’s trouble?

Well, grab your metaphorical device, because these nine questions might just help you spot the real deal before you find yourself emotionally pickpocketed.

1. How Do You Handle Criticism?

Ask this in any setting. A healthy human will list a few things they’re working on (“I’m too much of a perfectionist” counts, but only if delivered with a wink).

A narcissist, meanwhile, will twist, squirm, or outright rage at the mere notion that you’d question their flawlessness.

You might hear, “People are just jealous,” or, “Nobody has ever criticized me because I’m always right.” Sit with that for a second.

Anyone who claims to be immune to criticism is either the Dalai Lama or someone you should run from, fast.

2. Can You Tell Me About a Time You Were Wrong?

This one’s a little like asking a vampire if they’d like garlic bread. A narcissist recoils, dodges, or changes the subject. Or, even better, tells a “story” about how someone else was wrong and they heroically suffered through it.

Suddenly, all roads lead to their misunderstood genius.

A non-narc will give you something small, maybe a funny anecdote about mixing up dates or misreading a situation. That’s humility.

Narcissists, on the other hand, treat “being wrong” as a concept for lesser mortals.

3. What Do You Value Most in Other People?

Everyone has a wishlist: kindness, honesty, a willingness to share fries. Listen carefully to their answer.

Narcissists love traits that benefit them: loyalty, admiration, obedience (bonus points if they say “people who know their place”). They rarely mention empathy or integrity unless they’re trying to impress you.

If every valued trait sounds suspiciously tailored to serve their ego, you’re circling dangerous waters.

4. Who Are Your Heroes?

A classic. Most people pick someone whose qualities they genuinely admire, or who’s made a difference in their lives—mum, a wise teacher, Mr. Rogers, Beyoncé.

The narcissist tends to choose celebrities, business moguls, or historical figures famous for power, fame, or domination. Sometimes, they don’t pick anyone at all, because “I’ve never met anyone as impressive as me.”

If their hero list is a greatest-hits album of self-promoters and dictators, take note.

5. How Do Relationships Usually End for You?

This is the relationship equivalent of “How’s your body count?” But instead of numbers, you’re interested in the narrative. A narcissist is always the victim or the hero.

Exes are “crazy,” “obsessed,” or “didn’t appreciate a good thing.” Never once will they admit to being the problem.

A little self-reflection—“I could have communicated better,” or “We grew apart”—shows a capacity for growth. If every answer is a blame fiesta, you’ve got your answer.

6. What’s the Most Generous Thing You’ve Done for Someone?

A normal human being will probably tell you something sweet or even slightly embarrassing. Perhaps they gave up a seat on the bus, lent a shoulder during a rough patch, or rescued a stray cat.

Basically, generosity with no strings attached.

Narcissists, though, can’t resist spinning their “generosity” into a performance. Every “good deed” is either transactional (“Then they owed me”) or an epic saga, with them cast as the misunderstood saint.

If you sense a hidden invoice behind every act of kindness, start looking for the exit.

7. How Do You React When Someone Else Succeeds?

Green with envy? Or do they genuinely celebrate other people’s wins? Narcissists struggle with the success of others. They might downplay, dismiss, or outright sabotage, couching it in “concern.”

Expect a few passive-aggressive jabs about how “easy” everything comes to everyone but them.

People with a healthy sense of self-worth will tell you about feeling inspired, happy, or even a touch envious in a motivating way. Narcissists can’t risk a spotlight that’s not on them.

8. What Would Your Closest Friend Say About You?

Cue the humble brags. Non-narcissists might admit to being a chatterbox or a bit forgetful but hope they’re thought of as caring or funny.

Narcissists, on the other hand, will either launch into a list of superlatives—“smartest, best-looking, most generous”—or claim not to have close friends, with a shrug that blames the world’s inferiority.

Ever met someone who still manages to turn this into a self-pitying monologue? Red flag.

9. Do You Ever Apologize? Can You Give an Example?

A classic, and for narcissists, an Olympic hurdle. Watch their face. Does their eye twitch? Do they burst into a tight smile?

Narcissists might say, “I don’t need to apologize because I don’t do anything wrong,” or, “If people are upset, that’s on them.”

If you get a real apology story—one where they admit fault, show regret, and demonstrate growth—you’re probably not dealing with a narcissist. But if apologies are rare or always “misunderstandings,” take note.

Spotting the Signs Before You Need Therapy

No one wants to play amateur psychologist 24/7, but a few targeted questions can save you a world of grief. Narcissists aren’t always cartoon villains; they’re often charming, witty, and wildly convincing—until you scratch the surface.

Trust your gut. If their answers ring every alarm bell in your head or make you feel like you’ve just auditioned for a gaslighting masterclass, give yourself permission to step back.

The world won’t run out of people who can handle criticism…or who know how to apologize.

And just in case you needed permission: it’s okay to be picky about whom you let into your inner circle.

The less time spent decoding narcissists, the more energy you’ll have for people who actually care about you—plus, you can finally reclaim those hours you’ve been spending on Google searches for “why does my partner never say sorry.”

Call it self-care. Or just plain common sense.