9 Narcissist’s Tactics to Make You Lose Yourself
Ever shaken your head in disbelief at how someone can twist reality—your reality—into a pretzel? If you’ve had a close encounter with a narcissist, you know the feeling.
It’s like being in a magic show where the grand finale is you wondering who you even are anymore.
Welcome to the wild ride. Buckle up as we unmask the not-so-enchanting tricks narcissists use to make you lose yourself—one gaslight at a time.
1. Gaslighting Until You Doubt Your Own Name
When it comes to rewriting history, narcissists put fiction authors to shame.
Gaslighting is their signature move: subtly (or not so subtly) denying things they’ve said or done, insisting you’re remembering things wrong, or telling you you’re overreacting.
At first, it’s little things—“I never said that.” Then it’s bigger—“You’re crazy, that never happened.”
Before long, you’re second-guessing yourself over whether you left the kettle on or made up your entire childhood. If you’re starting to feel like you’ve lost your grip on reality, it’s not you. It’s them.
The antidote? Keep a journal, talk to people who knew you before the narcissist’s circus came to town, and remind yourself that your memories are valid.
2. Love Bombing Like It’s a Firework Show
In the opening act, narcissists come on strong. Flowers, texts, poems, declarations of undying love (sometimes after precisely three dates). It’s intoxicating—so much so that you barely notice how quickly your world starts revolving around them.
This tactic isn’t about genuine affection. It’s about securing your devotion fast, before you can blink and notice the red flags fluttering everywhere.
If you feel swept up in a whirlwind, slow it right down. Ask yourself: Is this genuine, or am I being dazzled into submission?
3. Isolating You One “Concern” at a Time
Suddenly, you’re seeing less of your mates, family, and even that neighbour whose dog you secretly adore. Narcissists excel at isolation, but they rarely do it outright.
Instead, it’s, “I just worry your friends don’t really support us,” or, “Your family stresses you out, maybe you need space.”
It’s sneaky, because it sounds like caring. The result? Your support network starts shrinking, and their voice becomes the only one in the room.
Reconnect with your people, even if it’s just a text or coffee now and then. A healthy relationship doesn’t come with a visitor ban.
4. Shifting Blame Like a Pro-Level Politician
Ever argued with a narcissist and ended up apologising for something you didn’t even do? Welcome to the blame-shifting championship.
Narcissists are allergic to accountability. If something goes wrong, you can bet your last biscuit it’s suddenly all your fault.
“The dinner burned because you distracted me.” “I lost my temper because you were being impossible.” This relentless blame game chips away at your self-belief, until you’re the villain in every story. Time to call a time-out on that.
Notice the patterns, refuse to wear the blame for their choices, and claim your spot back as the lead character in your own life.
5. Playing the Victim—Oscar-Worthy Performances Only
When things don’t go their way, narcissists can morph into the most tragic lead you’ve ever seen. Suddenly, they’re the misunderstood soul, and you’re the big, bad wolf. “No one has ever loved me like you, but look how you treat me!”
Cropping up in every disagreement, this tactic is designed to make you feel guilty, responsible, and—bingo—back under their control. Sympathy is a lovely quality, but don’t let it be weaponised against you.
You are not responsible for fixing someone’s incurable quest for attention.
6. Withholding Affection and Approval—Just Because
Some relationships are like a warm, steady campfire. Narcissistic ones? More like being trapped in a walk-in freezer that occasionally bursts into flames. Approval, affection, even basic kindness—they’re all on a strict rationing plan.
If you step out of line (or just breathe wrong), affection gets yanked away until you scramble to earn it back. Over time, you learn to tiptoe and self-censor just to avoid the cold shoulder.
Recognise the game: affection isn’t a prize for compliance. You deserve love that doesn’t come with performance conditions.
7. Triangulation—The More, The Messier
Why stick to one relationship when you can bring in a whole audience? Enter triangulation: narcissists roping in exes, friends, colleagues—anyone who can be used to stir up jealousy or competition.
“My friend thinks you’re being unreasonable,” they might say. Or, “My ex never got upset about this.”
It’s not just about drama (although, sure, that too). It’s about keeping you off balance and desperate for approval. Don’t take the bait. Refuse to play the game.
If you feel like you’re in a reality show when you just wanted a cuppa and a cuddle, it’s time to step outside the triangle.
8. Dismissing Your Feelings Like They’re Last Week’s Leftovers
Try expressing a need or a boundary to a narcissist, and brace yourself for eye-rolling, sighing, or the infamous, “You’re too sensitive.” Any emotion that doesn’t flatter them is swept under the rug—or thrown out with the recycling.
Over time, you can start believing your feelings don’t matter, or worse, that they’re evidence of your own “flaws.” Plot twist: your feelings are real, they’re important, and they absolutely belong in your relationship.
Speak up, even if your voice shakes. If it’s not safe to do so, make plans for a safer space.
9. Moving the Goalposts—Just to Keep You Guessing
Ever had the rules change halfway through the game, and somehow you’re always behind? That’s the narcissist’s specialty. Whatever you do, it’s never quite enough—their expectations shift constantly, and the finish line is always just out of reach.
Yesterday, it was “If you loved me, you’d do X.” Today, it’s, “I never asked for that, I wanted Y.” The result? Endless anxiety, self-doubt, and the creeping sense that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never measure up.
Spoiler: you absolutely would, if the bar wasn’t on a trampoline.
Set your own standards and stick to them—no matter how often the rules change on their side.
Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissist Tactics
Spotting these tactics is the first reality check; unlearning their effects is the next chapter. Give yourself huge credit for noticing the patterns and naming them for what they are.
Reach out for support—even if it’s just a mate, a therapist, or an online support group. Your people are still out there, and they’re on your team.
It’s not weak to seek help, and it’s not selfish to put yourself first. The road back to yourself might be bumpy (and probably involves less drama and fewer apologies for things you never did), but every step is worth it.
Healthy love doesn’t require you to lose yourself. Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is selling snake oil—and you absolutely don’t have to buy it.
