10 Ways Narcissist Men Use Kids Against You

Ever notice how some exes can weaponize anything from Tupperware to toothbrushes? If you happen to share children with a narcissistic man, congratulations—you’ve just entered the Olympics of emotional manipulation.

Kids are supposed to be off-limits, but as you probably know, narcissists treat boundaries like a buffet: optional and mostly for other people.

Here’s a look at the creative, cruel, and utterly mind-boggling ways narcissist men use children to get under your skin. Don’t worry—there are practical tips to keep your sanity intact (and maybe even a grin on your face).

1. Twisting the Truth to Win the Popularity Contest

Ever had your child come home parroting wild tales about you, straight from their father’s lips? Narcissist dads love to rewrite history.

According to him, you’re the reason the family hamster “ran away,” and he’s the innocent victim in every story.

This isn’t just about making you look bad. It’s an elaborate campaign to make himself the “fun parent” and you the party pooper.

Kids get confused, you get frustrated, and Mr. Narcissist walks away with his ego polished to a high shine.

Best defense: Keep your cool. Speak honestly with your kids, but don’t stoop to his level. Consistency and calm often shine brighter than drama.

2. Playing the Guilt Card Like a Pro

There’s nothing quite like being blamed for the weather, the price of petrol, and—of course—your child’s sadness about the divorce. Narcissists blame you for anything less-than-perfect in their child’s life.

You wanted boundaries? Clearly, you’re just out to ruin everyone’s fun.

Expect emotional manipulation to show up as guilt trips. Suddenly you’re the reason for missed football tryouts or why sweet little Emma can’t have a pony.

It’s all about keeping you off-balance and in permanent apology mode.

Quick tip: Remind yourself that kids benefit from boundaries and normal routines. Guilt is his game, but you don’t have to play.

3. Withholding or Limiting Access to Mess With Your Head

Ah, the classic move. Cancelling visits, changing plans last minute, or just “forgetting” to return the kids. Power trips and chaos are the name of the game.

This tactic leaves you constantly scrambling, upending your schedule and pushing your buttons. Bonus points if he can make you look unreasonable for wanting reliability.

Family court orders can help—if you’ve got one, stick to it like super glue. If you’re still sorting access, document everything. Judges love receipts.

4. Using Kids as Little Spies

If your child has ever come home asking oddly specific questions about your dating life, your finances, or why you bought oat milk instead of regular, congratulations—your ex has enrolled them in the Narcissist Intelligence Agency.

Narcissists love using kids to get the scoop. It’s sneaky, unfair, and puts children in an impossible spot.

Gentle advice: Explain to your kids that some topics are private and they don’t have to answer every question. Keep it light—they’re not in trouble, but boundaries matter.

5. Badmouthing You to Build Himself Up

Kids are the audience; narcissist dad is the star. He’ll throw shade at your parenting skills, your job, your taste in shoes—whatever makes him look superior.

This is less about you and more about feeding his need for admiration.

Children end up confused and anxious, caught between loyalty to both parents and the fear of choosing sides.

Model respectful behaviour. Kids catch on over time to who’s actually in their corner.

6. Playing Victim to Get Sympathy

If there were Oscars for performative self-pity, narcissist dads would have a mantle full of them. He’ll frame you as the villain, himself as the wounded party, and the kids as his loyal confidants.

Expect plenty of “I wish I could see you more, but Mum won’t let me,” or “If only your mum was nicer, things would be better.” It’s all about making himself look good by making you look bad.

Don’t take the bait. Keep your conversations with him businesslike and factual—think text-message minimalism.

7. Turning Everyday Decisions into Battlegrounds

Everyday parenting choices—bedtimes, screen time, broccoli—become opportunities for power struggles. If you say yes, he says no, just for the drama.

Consistency goes out the window, and the kids learn that rules depend on the parent, not on what’s best for them.

This isn’t just petty; it’s destabilizing for children who need predictability.

Stick to your boundaries and explain your reasons to your children. They may roll their eyes now, but one day they’ll appreciate the stability.

8. Financial Manipulation Disguised as Concern

Does he suddenly insist on buying the fanciest trainers or offering extravagant treats—then blame you when you don’t match his spending? Or maybe he “forgets” child support but makes a show of buying your teenager a new phone.

Narcissists use money as a tool to buy affection, create division, or make you look miserly.

Explain spending choices to your kids in age-appropriate ways. Remind them that love isn’t measured in gifts or gadgets.

9. Gaslighting the Kids—and You

“Your mum said you could have two desserts, not one!” Even when you know you didn’t.

Narcissists distort reality, sowing confusion and doubt for both you and the children. Kids end up unsure whose version of events is true.

The aim: undermine your confidence, make you question yourself, and manipulate the narrative.

Keep written records of agreements, schedules, and rules. And trust your own memory—you aren’t losing your mind, even if it feels that way.

10. Threatening Alienation or ‘Rescue’ Missions

Ever hear, “If you keep this up, I’ll get full custody,” or “The kids would be happier living with me”? Narcissist men use threats of alienation or promises of ‘rescue’ to keep you anxious.

This is emotional blackmail at its finest—designed to make you second-guess every decision.

If he tries to turn the kids against you, focus on building your own strong, loving bond with them. Courts take alienation seriously, so document every incident.

You’re not powerless, no matter how dramatic his threats.

Parenting in the Shadow of Narcissism

Co-parenting with someone who treats children like pawns is exhausting and, frankly, a bit soul-crushing.

But you’re not alone, and you’re not powerless—even when it feels like you’re starring in your own personal soap opera (with fewer commercial breaks and more laundry).

Your superpower? Consistency, empathy, and a sense of humour sharper than your ex’s best pair of cufflinks.

Focus on fostering honesty and security at home. Celebrate every small victory, even if it’s just surviving another drama-filled handover with your sanity intact.

And remember: kids may be impressionable, but they’re also wise beyond their years.

They know who’s really in their corner—even if it takes a little time to see through the smoke and mirrors.