9 Ways Narcissists Sabotage Your Recovery
If you’ve tangled with a narcissist, you know that detangling takes more than a new haircut or a tub of ice cream. Recovery is hard-earned, one step forward, two texts from your ex back.
But why does it feel like your healing drags on, with a bit of sabotage sprinkled in? Spoiler: it’s usually not your imagination.
Here’s how narcissists keep poking at your wounds, and what you can do about it—without tossing your phone in a lake.
1. Emotional Breadcrumbing
Narcissists have the uncanny ability to sense when you’re almost okay again. It’s like a sixth sense, only instead of sniffing out danger, they sniff out your inner peace.
Suddenly, you’ll get a friendly “Hey, hope you’re doing well!” or a meme that only you would laugh at. Sounds harmless, right? Except it’s bait.
These breadcrumbs keep you emotionally hooked, second-guessing your decision to move on. They’re not reaching out for closure or friendship—they’re checking if they can still stir the pot.
The best response? No response. Silence isn’t rude; it’s a boundary.
2. Rewriting History
Nothing says “recovery sabotage” like an emotional revisionist. Narcissists are Olympic-level gaslighters, capable of making you question what actually happened.
If you try to talk about the time they ghosted you for a week, suddenly you’re the one who was “acting distant.” Convenient, isn’t it?
This strategy chips away at your reality. You start doubting your memory, your judgment, even your right to feel hurt. Keep a journal or notes, if you have to—your version of events is valid.
Just because they can tell a good story, doesn’t mean it’s true.
3. Enlisting Flying Monkeys
If only narcissists kept their shenanigans to themselves. But alas, they love an audience. Enter: the flying monkeys (friends, family, mutuals) who reach out on their behalf.
These folks might “just want to check in” or deliver a message: “You know, they really miss you.”
Suddenly, you’re defending your choices to people who have no idea what actually went on. This keeps you looped into the drama, just when you were about to find some peace.
Don’t waste breath explaining your boundaries. A simple, “We’re not in contact, but thanks for your concern,” works wonders.
4. Triangulation Time
Why try healthy communication when you can drag in a third party and stir up jealousy? That’s the narcissist’s playbook. You’ll hear about a new partner, a “close friend,” or that mysterious coworker who totally gets them.
Message received: you’re replaceable.
Triangulation isn’t about moving on—it’s about keeping you unsettled, doubting your worth. If you find yourself cyberstalking their new flame, it’s time to log off and remind yourself that you’re not in a competition.
They’re just trying to pull you back into the game.
5. Playing the Victim
Suddenly, the narcissist is telling anyone who’ll listen that you were the problem. They’re “devastated,” “trying so hard,” and “don’t know what went wrong.” Give them an hour and they’ll pen a country song about it.
When mutual friends, relatives, or even your barista start giving you sad eyes, you know the PR machine is in full swing. Don’t take the bait.
People who matter will eventually see through the act, especially if you stay calm and don’t engage in the blame game.
6. Guilt Trips and Emotional Blackmail
Narcissists aren’t above using your empathy against you. Cue the guilt trips: “After all I did for you,” “You’re abandoning me,” or the classic, “I just thought you were different.”
If that doesn’t work, emotional blackmail enters the chat, complete with veiled threats or dramatic ultimatums.
Feeling selfish for putting yourself first is entirely the point. But prioritizing self-care isn’t cruelty. If you need permission, here it is: taking care of your own mental health isn’t up for negotiation.
7. Hoovering with Grand Gestures
A narcissist’s idea of romance? Showing up with flowers after months of radio silence. Or penning a ten-page apology letter once they sense you’ve finally started smiling again.
This is called “hoovering”—sucking you back in with charm and promises.
The grand gesture is designed to make you forget the past, overlook the red flags, and question your boundaries. Admire the effort, if you must.
But stay focused on the reasons you stepped back in the first place. Your standards didn’t get too high—they just finally got reasonable.
8. Subtle (and Not-So-Subtle) Smear Campaigns
When all else fails, it’s time for character assassination. A narcissist might spread rumors, twist stories, or publicly criticize you, hoping you’ll defend yourself (and thereby stay engaged).
The goal? Isolate you from your support system, keep you feeling misunderstood, and remind you who’s in charge of the narrative.
Gossip has a short shelf life; keep your own side of the street clean and avoid the temptation to clap back. Your reputation will outlast their drama.
9. Undermining Your Progress
Ever notice how every time you hit a milestone—new job, new haircut, new relationship—suddenly the narcissist is back in your notifications? That’s no coincidence.
They love reminding you of your “flaws,” questioning your choices, or making snarky comments designed to take the wind out of your sails. Don’t let them.
Surround yourself with people who cheer your wins, and don’t be afraid to block or mute as needed. Protect your peace like it’s the last biscuit at a family barbecue.
Healing That Sticks
Narcissists are experts at keeping you tied to the chaos. Recognizing these tactics is your first taste of freedom.
The trick isn’t winning the game—it’s refusing to play.
Set boundaries like your sanity depends on it (spoiler: it does), lean on friends who get it, and trust that your reality doesn’t require anyone else’s approval.
Reclaiming your peace won’t make you heartless. It just makes you wise to the game.
And if all else fails, remember: the block button is your new best friend. Use it liberally.
