9 Ways Narcissists Make You Feel Like an Option

Thinking you might be the main character in your own love story? Narcissists have a knack for making you feel more like the understudy who isn’t even allowed near the costume rack.

If your relationship feels like a never-ending audition, you’re not imagining it. Here’s why it feels that way—and what you can actually do tonight to start flipping the script.

1. Giving You the Breadcrumb Treatment

Ever felt like you’re living off emotional table scraps? Narcissists are pros at doling out just enough affection to keep you hanging on, but never enough for you to feel secure.

A compliment here, a dry “love you” text there—just enough so you can’t call them out for never showing they care.

This tactic is meant to keep you invested, always hoping the next round will be more satisfying. It’s like being fed one fry at a time while the narcissist eats the whole meal.

To counter it, start noticing when you feel starved for attention and ask for what you need, clearly and calmly. If the breadcrumbs don’t turn into a meal, maybe it’s time to pick up your own menu.

2. Expecting You to Chase

Narcissists thrive on the thrill of being pursued. Why? Because then you’re always proving your devotion. They play hard to get, act aloof, or suddenly “get busy” just when you suggest plans.

You become the one constantly texting first, arranging dates, or asking if they’re okay after a silent retreat.

This chasing game isn’t romantic; it’s a power move. Tonight, try flipping the script—give them space and see what happens. If they don’t reach out, that’s not a mystery to solve; it’s data you can use.

3. Hot and Cold Like a Broken Radiator

One moment you’re the center of their world; the next, you’re invisible. The unpredictability isn’t an accident—it’s designed to keep you off-balance and questioning your worth. (Spoiler alert: Your worth isn’t up for debate.)

No one deserves to wonder which version of their partner will show up. Start tracking these mood swings. When you spot the pattern, call it out—respectfully but firmly.

“I’ve noticed you pull away after we get close. Is something going on?” Watch their reaction. Honest partners engage. Narcissists deflect or blame.

4. Keeping You in the Maybe Zone

Vague plans. Non-committal answers. “We’ll see!” is their relationship motto. You’re never quite sure if you’re going on that trip together, meeting the parents, or just penciled into their calendar with an erasable marker.

This ambiguity isn’t laziness; it’s strategy. When someone is always hedging, your anxiety rises and you work harder for scraps of certainty. Instead, set clear expectations.

“I need to know by Friday if we’re going to your friend’s wedding.” If they can’t commit, that’s a commitment in itself—a commitment to treating you like a backup plan.

5. Comparing You to Others

Ah yes, the classic “Why can’t you be more like…?” routine. Narcissists love holding up exes, friends, or even random strangers as gold standards.

The goal? Keep you striving for their approval and make you feel “replaceable.”

Don’t play along. Whenever you get compared, remind yourself: You’re not interchangeable, and this isn’t a competition. Respond with, “I’m happy being myself.

If you want someone different, maybe you should be with them.” Watch how quickly the comparisons lose their power.

6. Prioritizing Their Needs… Every. Single. Time.

Your birthday? Crickets. Their birthday? A week-long festival with daily reminders. Narcissists make it clear whose needs come first—spoiler, it’s never yours.

They’ll bail on your plans for something “urgent” but expect you to drop everything at a moment’s notice.

Tonight, flip the dynamic where you can. Start putting your plans and boundaries front and center. You’re allowed to say, “Sorry, I have plans,” and mean it.

Watch how it rattles someone used to being the center of your universe.

7. Disappearing When It Suits Them

Ghosting isn’t just for awkward Tinder dates. In narcissistic relationships, radio silence happens whenever you need them most—after an argument, during a tough week, or simply for the thrill of keeping you guessing.

These strategic disappearances crank up your anxiety, so you’ll work twice as hard to “win them back.” Resist the urge. If someone vanishes when you reach out, resist chasing.

Real partners stick around for the tough stuff; magicians disappear.

8. Flirting With Others Right In Front of You

Narcissists are connoisseurs of attention—and not just yours. They’ll flirt with waiters, exes, or that one “friend” who texts a little too late at night.

Why? Because jealousy is their favorite seasoning.

Instead of spiraling, try a different approach. The next time it happens, address it directly and calmly: “When you flirt with others in front of me, it makes me feel like I don’t matter.”

Notice their response. Someone who cares about you will want to fix the problem, not blame you for being “too sensitive.”

9. Gaslighting Your Gut Feelings

Ever brought up how something made you feel, only to be told you’re “overreacting,” “crazy,” or “making things up”? Gaslighting is the narcissist’s all-purpose eraser—they rewrite your reality until you’re doubting your own senses.

Name what’s happening, even if only to yourself at first. “What I experienced is real. My feelings are valid.” When you stop accepting rewritten scripts, you stop playing an extra in their story.

What to Do When You’ve Had Enough of Feeling Like an Option

Here’s the plot twist: You never were the problem. Want to see real change? Decide you’re worthy of being the main character—tonight, not “someday when they change.”

This could mean having a hard conversation, setting a new boundary, or just turning your phone off at 9 p.m. and watching a show that treats its cast better than you’ve been treated lately.

Remember: Anyone who makes you feel like you’re easy to replace isn’t worthy of the unique, irreplaceable person you actually are.

And if you need a little extra reassurance? You’re not alone, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to star in your own life—especially not someone who can’t even commit to dinner plans.