9 Ways Narcissists Make You Compete for Their Attention

Ever felt like you were in a never-ending episode of a reality show you didn’t sign up for—one where the prize is someone’s fleeting approval?

If a narcissist has ever reeled you into their orbit, you already know: the competition for their attention is less “friendly game of tag,” more “Hunger Games with gaslighting.”

Grab a metaphorical helmet. Here’s how narcissists keep the spotlight tightly focused on themselves—and everyone else scrambling for a glimmer.

1. Triangulation Is Their Favourite Party Trick

Nothing says “I care” quite like bringing a third wheel into your relationship, right? Narcissists are absolute pros at this.

Whether it’s an ex, a co-worker, or even their mum, they’ll mention other people’s opinions or achievements just often enough to make you feel like you’re always second-best.

Suddenly, you’re dodging comparisons to “how supportive Alex was” or “how much fun Jamie is.” You might even find yourself wondering if you’re being auditioned for the coveted role of Favourite Human.

Spoiler: the role is always up for recasting.

If you find yourself constantly hearing about “how someone else would have done it better,” it’s time to call it what it is: emotional bait-and-switch.

2. They Give You Just Enough Praise to Keep You Hooked

Ever notice how a narcissist hands out compliments like rationed chocolate during a war? It’s never quite enough, but just a sprinkle here and there keeps you craving.

One moment, you’re the “best thing that’s ever happened” to them. The next, you’re wondering if you imagined the compliment.

This hot-and-cold routine isn’t random—it’s a calculated way to keep you on your toes (and maybe, on the verge of a nervous breakdown).

The trick here: spot the patterns. Are you working harder and harder for less and less reward? If so, you might be stuck in their compliment economy, and the exchange rate is never in your favour.

3. They Love to Stir Up Jealousy

If there’s a way to make you feel slightly (or wildly) inadequate, trust a narcissist to find it.

Flirting with others in plain sight, talking about exes with a wistful sigh, or even just scrolling Insta feeds with a little too much interest—these aren’t accidents.

Why put you through this? Attention, attention, attention. A jealous partner is a vigilant partner. Keep you guessing, keep you fighting for their time, and voilà—they’re the main character in the story (again).

Recognising these games is half the battle. The other half? Deciding you’d rather be cast in literally any other production.

4. Emotional Push and Pull Keeps You Off-Balance

The emotional rollercoaster isn’t for the faint of heart. Just when you think you’re getting close, the narcissist pulls away.

Suddenly, you’re left scrambling to win them back, wondering what you did wrong, and questioning your own self-worth.

This dance isn’t about genuine connection—it’s about control. As long as you’re working to regain their attention, you’re not focusing on your own needs.

Want to take the wind out of their sails? Try not chasing after every withdrawal. Their power lies in your reaction; when you don’t play, the game gets old fast.

5. They Play Favourites—And Switch Them Faster Than Netflix Shows

One day you’re the golden child, the next you’re yesterday’s news. At work, with friends, or even among siblings, narcissists love playing favourites.

They’ll lavish attention on whoever’s most useful at the moment, then drop them like a hot scone once someone shinier comes along.

This isn’t just confusing—it’s exhausting. Before you know it, you’re hustling for a top spot that keeps vanishing.

Refuse to participate in the “favourite Olympics.” You’re not a contestant, and their approval isn’t the medal you want hanging on your wall.

6. They Weaponise Silence and Attention

If you’ve ever experienced the icy blast of the silent treatment, you know it’s not just about peace and quiet. Narcissists use silence as a weapon, withdrawing affection until you’re desperate to win them back.

The flip side? When they’re feeling generous, you’re flooded with affection—at least until you’re sufficiently “trained” to jump through hoops for another hit.

Instead of chasing after their mood swings, focus on your own emotional thermostat. You get to decide when enough is enough.

7. They Keep You Guessing With Mixed Signals

One minute, you’re planning your imaginary wedding. The next, you’re wondering if they even like you.

Narcissists are champions of mixed messages, saying one thing and doing another just to keep you chasing their approval.

This uncertainty is no accident. When you’re off-balance, you’re easier to manipulate—and much more likely to fight for their attention.

If it feels like you’re playing relationship Sudoku with clues that never add up, it’s not you. It’s the puzzle master making sure you never quite solve it.

8. They Turn Everything Into a Competition

Spot a narcissist in the wild and watch as even mundane moments become contests. Who’s more tired? Who’s busier? Who can get more attention at a dinner party?

If you feel like you’re constantly trying to “outdo” or “win” in everyday life, you’ve probably fallen into their favourite pastime.

This kind of low-key arms race doesn’t just drain your energy—it makes everything about them. Suddenly, the story of your tough day gets one-upped by their “unbelievably harder” day.

Choosing not to play along is the ultimate power move. Not every story needs to be a competition—especially when “winning” means losing yourself.

9. They Rewrite History to Suit Their Narrative

Ever recall an event, only to be told it happened very differently—specifically, in a way that puts the narcissist front and centre, or makes you the villain? Welcome to the world of gaslighting.

Narcissists love to rewrite shared memories, often giving themselves the starring role or painting you as the one constantly in need of their approval. When you protest, the goalposts shift yet again.

It’s dizzying and, frankly, infuriating. Keeping your own receipts (mental or literal) helps anchor you in reality. Not every retelling deserves your energy—or your belief.

Reclaiming Your Spotlight

Living with someone who makes you compete for attention is like starring in a game show where the rules change hourly and the prize is…more games.

Spotting the patterns is the first step to breaking free of the cycle.

You’re not on this planet to be anyone’s supporting act. If you recognise these moves in your relationship, set your own boundaries and priorities.

Put your energy into relationships where attention, affection, and respect aren’t prizes to be won—but the foundation you both stand on.

Turns out, the best kind of spotlight is the one you shine on yourself.