9 Subtle Clues You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

Quick question: ever found yourself wondering if you’re actually dating a narcissist, or if your mate is just a garden-variety pain in the backside?

We all have our moments, but sometimes, it isn’t just an off day or a quirky personality.

Sometimes, it’s the telltale aroma of narcissism wafting through your relationship—like that weird smell in your fridge you can’t quite place, but you know it’s not good.

Point is, narcissists rarely strut around in capes with “NARC” bedazzled on their chests. Their moves are usually much sneakier.

If you’re starting to suspect that your partner, friend, or Aunt Linda is a card-carrying member of the narcissist club, read on. Here are nine subtle clues to help you spot the signs—before you swear you’re the one losing it.

1. Conversation Always Circles Back to Them

Ever tried talking to someone who treats every chat as an opportunity for a TED Talk about their own life? Narcissists have a magical knack for pivoting any topic back to their favorite subject: themselves.

Share a work win? Suddenly, it reminds them of the time they singlehandedly saved their company—twice. Rough day? Oh, you wouldn’t believe what they’re dealing with.

You could mention your grandma’s gout and they’d manage to make it about their own bunions.

The underlying message? Your stories are warm-up acts to their main event. If you constantly feel like a supporting character in the “Them Show,” you might be dealing with a narcissist.

2. Charm Offensive with an Expiry Date

In the beginning, narcissists can be downright magnetic—think Prince Charming with a slightly unnerving intensity. The compliments flow like cheap prosecco, and you’re suddenly the most fascinating person alive.

But that shimmer? Temporary. Once the initial “love bombing” fizzles, the warmth vanishes like free snacks at a party. What follows is often criticism, distance, or indifference.

The switch can be dizzying, leaving you wondering if you imagined all that affection.

Pay attention to the shelf life of that charm. If you went from soulmate to sidekick in record time, that’s a clue.

3. Emotional Needs Are a One-Way Street

Ever notice you end up comforting, praising, or reassuring them far more than they ever do for you? Narcissists aren’t keen on emotional reciprocity.

When you need support, you might get a blank stare, a subject change, or a casual reminder that they once had it worse.

Expecting empathy from a narcissist is like waiting for a bus that’s permanently “out of service.” If you often feel empty or dismissed after sharing your feelings, that’s no accident.

4. Rules Apply to Everyone Else

Narcissists are allergic to rules—unless they’re the ones setting them. They expect others to play by the book, but when it’s their turn? Suddenly, the rules are “open to interpretation.”

Cancelling last-minute, breaking promises, conveniently forgetting something important—these aren’t flukes, they’re patterns. Question their behaviour and you’ll get a creative explanation that magically absolves them from blame.

If someone’s sense of entitlement makes you feel like you’re living in their kingdom, take note.

5. Criticism Sends Them Into Orbit

Everyone hates criticism, but narcissists treat it like a personal attack by an angry wasp. Get ready for over-the-top defensiveness, sulking, or even a bit of rage thrown in for good measure.

Try giving gentle feedback (“Would you mind not eating chips in bed?”) and brace yourself for icy silence or a lecture on your own shortcomings. Suddenly, you’re the villain in a story you didn’t know was being written.

If bringing up minor issues feels like tiptoeing through a minefield, it’s not you—it’s them.

6. They’re the Victim in Every Story

Narcissists love a good pity party, especially if there’s an audience. Every falling-out, failed project, or family feud? None of it’s their fault. The world just doesn’t “get” them, apparently.

Blame is a hot potato they’re never willing to hold. Someone else is always the problem, whether it’s their boss, their ex, or that “jealous” friend from yoga.

Take note of how often you’re expected to offer sympathy for their endless stream of woes.

If their life seems to be an ongoing tragedy penned by Shakespeare, and they’re always the misunderstood hero, that’s another giveaway.

7. Boundaries Are Suggestions, Not Limits

Try setting a boundary with a narcissist and watch them treat it like a vague parking recommendation. Want privacy? That’s “being secretive.” Need space? You’re “abandoning them.”

Narcissists tend to bulldoze right through limits, convinced their needs matter most. They may snoop, overshare, or push for more of your time and energy than feels comfortable.

If your boundaries feel like those flimsy garden fences rabbits hop over for fun, it’s time to take stock.

8. Generosity Comes With Strings Attached

On the surface, narcissists can appear generous—lavish gifts, grand gestures, the works. But there’s a catch. Love, money, or favours flow when it benefits them, or when there’s an audience to admire their selflessness.

When you don’t respond with enough gratitude (or, heaven forbid, forget to say thank you), the mood can turn icy. Their generosity is transactional, and you’re expected to pay up—often with endless praise or loyalty.

If giving always comes with an invoice (emotional or otherwise), you’re seeing classic narcissist currency in action.

9. Apologies Are Rare, Backhanded, or Missing Entirely

Narcissists treat apologies like a limited-edition collectible: hard to find, rarely offered, and often defective. When cornered, they might give you the world’s worst non-apology (“I’m sorry you’re so sensitive” ring a bell?).

Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, expect rationalisations, excuses, or the classic “let’s just move on”—without ever actually addressing what happened.

If you keep finding yourself apologising for things that aren’t your fault, while their “sorry” is still in transit three years later, there’s your sign.

What to Do When the Narcissist Lightbulb Goes On

Recognising these clues isn’t about labelling your partner, friend, or boss for the sake of it. It’s about figuring out what’s happening, and what you need to protect your emotional health.

Start with boundaries (firm ones, not the “suggested” kind). Gently call out patterns, but don’t expect a miraculous personality transplant. Preserve your energy—your worth isn’t measured by how much you can fix or forgive.

If you’re repeatedly feeling wrung out, confused, or like you’re starring in someone else’s drama, reach out for support. Chat with a therapist. Confide in trusted mates.

Remember, you don’t need to shrink yourself to fit someone else’s overblown ego.

Spotting these subtle signs can be equal parts sobering and freeing. Here’s to healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, and far fewer unsolicited TED Talks at the dinner table.