9 Signs You’re Still Under a Narcissist’s Control

Leaving a narcissist is supposed to feel like someone just lifted a two-ton weight off your chest. Instead, you’re walking around wondering why breathing still feels like work, and why you’re apologizing to your toaster.

Welcome to the dark art of narcissistic aftercare: invisible chains, courtesy of your ex. Let’s get real about the sneaky signs you’re still dancing to someone else’s tune (and it’s definitely not a banger).

1 You Second-Guess Every Decision

Ordering a coffee shouldn’t feel like launching a rocket. Yet here you are: caffeine sweating, internally debating oat milk or regular, then feeling guilty about both.

Narcissists have a talent for convincing you that you’re incapable of making good choices. Over time, their running commentary becomes your internal monologue.

Suddenly, picking a movie or choosing where to eat morphs into an existential crisis. If you’re still phoning a friend for validation or backing out of harmless plans because you’re afraid of “doing it wrong,” that inner critic isn’t yours.

It’s theirs, still living rent-free in your head.

2 Guilt Trips Are Your Default Setting

Did you spill some milk? Did you forget to reply to a meme? Welcome to feeling guilty about things nobody else would notice. Narcissists train you to think everything is your fault.

That’s their favorite magic trick: they break it, you fix it… and apologize for existing.

If guilt has become your emotional resting heart rate—even when you’re alone—someone’s programmed you to believe your needs are a nuisance. The world won’t end if you say no. Promise.

3 Their Voice Plays on Repeat in Your Head

It’s been months—maybe years—since you last spoke, yet their feedback still echoes. “You’re too sensitive.” “No one else would put up with you.” “You always overreact.”

Narcissists don’t just want you under their thumb; they want to be your internal narrator.

If you catch yourself using their pet phrases against yourself, their control is still at work. Time to change the station. (May I suggest something with a little self-compassion and a lot less gaslighting?)

4 You Apologize for Existing

If “sorry” is your catchphrase, we need to talk. Narcissists thrive on making you feel like you take up too much space—even in your own home.

After a while, you start apologizing for harmless things: breathing too loudly, having opinions, or owning more than one pair of socks.

This is not just politeness gone wild. It’s a sign you’ve internalized their belief that your needs and presence are inherently inconvenient. Spoiler: they’re not.

5 Boundaries? Never Heard of Them

Remember boundaries—the ones people with healthy relationships apparently use? Narcissists see them as a personal challenge. Over time, you might stop asking for privacy or giving yourself the right to be left alone.

If people still walk all over you, or you feel physically weird just saying “no,” that’s the ghost of the narcissist haunting your relationship toolkit.

Healthy boundaries feel awkward at first—like wearing jeans after a year of sweatpants—but you’ll get used to it.

6 Emotional Rollercoasters Are the Norm

One minute, you’re on top of the world. The next, you’re convinced you’re a trash human. Narcissists are excellent at keeping you off-balance: praise you, then punish you, repeat on loop.

Even long after they’re gone, emotional stability feels suspicious, and you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If peace feels boring or “wrong,” your feelings have been expertly trained to expect chaos. Newsflash: calm is not a red flag.

7 You Struggle to Trust Your Own Memories

Ever find yourself rewriting history? “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “I was probably being dramatic.” Gaslighting is a narcissist’s Olympic sport, and they don’t even break a sweat.

If you question your own recollection of events, or minimize past pain, that’s a sign the manipulation worked a little too well.

Trust your gut, even if it’s whispering. Your experiences are valid—no matter how many times someone told you otherwise.

8 People Pleasing Is a Survival Skill

You can sense everyone’s mood from 40 paces. If you’re constantly scanning the room, adjusting your responses, and morphing into whatever personality keeps the peace, congratulations—you’re a master people-pleaser.

Narcissists reward chameleons and punish authenticity.

People pleasing may have protected you, but it’s not a long-term strategy for happiness. It’s okay to disappoint people who expect you to bend until you break.

Start with small, safe “no’s”—the world won’t implode, and your nervous system will thank you.

9 You’re Still Afraid of Their Reaction

They’re not in your life, but their opinion still has veto power. You hesitate to post on social media, share good news, or make big changes—all because you’re worried about their reaction.

Maybe it’s not even about them seeing; it’s about the imaginary drama you’re already bracing to handle.

This is the ultimate sign of lingering control: when someone who isn’t present can still dictate your choices. Time to reclaim your own script and block their imaginary number, too.

Building Freedom One Awkward Step at a Time

Healing from narcissistic control is like breaking in a new pair of shoes—uncomfortable, sometimes blister-inducing, but ultimately worth it for the chance to run at your own pace.

Every time you trust your instincts, enforce a boundary, or resist apologizing for simply existing, you’re putting distance between you and their influence.

Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence. It’s how you unlearn their lies and relearn your own worth. There’s no perfect timeline, no magic spell.

Some days you’ll still hear their voice echo. Other days, you’ll hear your own, a little louder, a lot kinder.

Turns out, you make a pretty fabulous narrator.