Ever feel like your confidence is being drained by someone who claims to love you? If your self-esteem has started circling the drain ever since you got close to a certain someone, you might be wrestling with more than just the Monday blues.
Narcissists have a toolkit of tricks designed to wear you down until you start questioning your own worth. Let’s call out these classic moves—so you can spot them, dodge them, and keep your sanity (and dignity) intact.
1. Gaslighting Until You Doubt Your Own Shadow
Gaslighting isn’t just a trendy word tossed around therapy circles—it’s a psychological power move, and narcissists are basically Olympic athletes at it.
The trick is simple (if you’re evil and strangely committed): make you doubt what you see, hear, remember, or feel. Suddenly, the sky is purple, you never said what you know you said, and you’re apparently “too sensitive” for noticing any of it.
Start thinking you’re losing the plot? That’s exactly where they want you. The more you question your reality, the less likely you are to trust your gut.
Self-doubt breeds dependence, which means they’ve got you right where they want you: apologizing for things that weren’t your fault and tiptoeing around their ever-changing moods.
2. Love Bombing Followed by Emotional Eviction
At first, it’s like starring in your own rom-com—flowers, compliments, wild declarations of love.
You feel adored, chosen, like you’ve finally found “your person.” Then, as soon as you’re hooked, the adoration evaporates faster than cheap wine at a family BBQ.
This hot-and-cold routine isn’t random. It’s how narcissists keep you addicted to their approval. The minute you voice a need or set a boundary, the affection dries up.
You’re left chasing the high of their approval, blaming yourself for “ruining the magic,” and quietly lowering your standards just to get a crumb of kindness.
3. Triangulation (AKA Bringing In Unwanted Third Parties)
Suddenly, every disagreement seems to involve an imaginary panel of judges: their ex, their mum, their best mate, or the mysterious “everyone” who thinks you’re overreacting. “Even my friends say you’re too sensitive.” (Ah, the classic.)
Triangulation keeps you guessing and off-balance, always trying to measure up to some unseen competition. It’s no accident. Narcissists love stirring the pot with third-party opinions, not-so-subtle comparisons, or even actual flirting with others.
Cue the jealousy, self-criticism, and frantic people-pleasing.
4. Moving the Goalposts Until You’re Dizzy
Ever feel like the relationship rules change every five minutes? That’s not your imagination—it’s a power move. One week, you’re criticized for being too clingy; the next, you’re guilty of not caring enough.
Tasks, expectations, even your basic personality are up for debate.
By constantly shifting what it takes to “win” their approval, narcissists keep you hustling for their validation. The finish line is always just out of reach, so you never get to celebrate a win—or, you know, breathe.
5. Blame Shifting and Strategic Amnesia
Narcissists have a magical memory. They forget things they did wrong, but never forget your tiniest slip-up. Every disagreement is a showcase of their favorite sport: passing the buck.
Somehow, you end up apologizing for their behavior. Spilled milk? Your fault. Their sour mood? Definitely on you. The argument you’re trying to resolve? Erm, didn’t happen—or if it did, wow, you really overreacted.
No wonder self-blame becomes a second skin.
6. The Silent Treatment That Feels Like Emotional Waterboarding
Nothing quite fries your nerves like the silent treatment. Narcissists use it to punish, manipulate, and send your anxiety into overdrive. You try to talk, they go mute. You apologize (for what, you’re not even sure), and still—radio silence.
This isn’t about needing space. It’s about controlling the emotional weather. You start walking on eggshells, desperate for scraps of communication, and blaming yourself for making them “need space” in the first place.
7. Dismissal of Your Achievements and Passions
Land a new job? “Must be nice to have connections.” Excited about a new hobby? “That’s silly, you’ll never stick with it.”
Narcissists can’t stand the spotlight shifting away from them, so any time you dare to feel good about yourself—they squash it.
Little by little, you shrink. Why bother sharing your wins if they’re just going to be belittled or ignored? Before you know it, you’re hiding your own light just to keep the peace.
8. Weaponizing Your Vulnerabilities
Remember that late-night heart-to-heart where you shared your deepest fears? Narcissists sure do. And they’ll save that information for a rainy day—specifically, the day you challenge them, set a boundary, or threaten their ego.
What once felt like intimacy is turned against you. Suddenly, your insecurities are ammunition, lobbed at you in arguments to shut you down or make you second-guess yourself.
It’s like emotional blackmail—except you handed over the secrets, trusting they’d be safe.
9. Smear Campaigns and Image Management
If all else fails, narcissists go for the nuclear option: making you look like the villain. They’ll twist stories, plant doubts among friends and family, and play the victim with Oscar-worthy dramatics.
The goal? Isolate you from your support system and make you too exhausted or embarrassed to stand up for yourself.
When your allies start to fade away (or worse, side with your narcissist), it’s all too easy to give up on yourself and accept their version of “reality.”
Turning the Tables on These Tactics
Narcissists play the long game, but their strategies unravel when you start noticing the patterns. Spotting these tactics is step one; taking back your self-worth is the real flex.
When gaslighting strikes, keep a journal. Record conversations, feelings, and events in real time—to remind yourself, you’re not imagining things.
When love bombing morphs into cold indifference, remind yourself: Real love doesn’t vanish when you speak your truth. That whiplash isn’t your fault.
The minute triangulation rears its three-headed monster, pull back from the comparison game. Their ex, their mate, their mum? Not your competition.
Moving goalposts? Set your own standards and stick to them, even if your narcissist throws a wobbly.
Blame shifting? Ask yourself, “Is this really my responsibility?” Refuse to own problems that aren’t yours.
Silent treatment? Resist the urge to chase. Give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and focus on nourishing friendships and hobbies.
Achievements being dismissed? Celebrate anyway. Your life, your wins, your rules.
Vulnerabilities weaponized? Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If sharing your soft spots gets you attacked, keep them for folks who’ve earned your trust.
Smear campaigns? Rally your support crew. If someone believes the narcissist’s sob story without hearing your side, you don’t need their approval anyway.
Most importantly, reconnect with yourself. The antidote to narcissistic tactics isn’t outsmarting the narcissist—it’s remembering you’re worth so much more than their approval.
Find the tiny voices in your life who cheer you on, and ignore the ones who only show up to drag you down.
Reclaiming Your Self-Worth—Yes, Even After All That
Living with or loving a narcissist can leave you feeling foggy, uncertain, and a little bit nuts. That’s no accident—it’s the result of sustained, targeted tactics designed to chip away at your confidence.
But here’s the thing: None of these moves are about you. They’re about someone else’s need to control, manipulate, and feel superior.
Spot the patterns. Name them out loud. Even if only in your diary, or to a trusted mate over a cuppa.
The moment you start to see these behaviors for what they are is the moment you start to get your power back.
There’s no shame in getting caught up in a narcissist’s web—these folks are experts. But the moment you decide you’re done playing, the game changes.
Rebuilding your sense of self won’t happen overnight, but it starts with one tiny act of self-trust.
The world needs your unedited, un-diminished self—even if one narcissist wishes you’d forget that. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
