9 Narcissist’s Tactics to Keep You in Servant Mode

Ever wondered why your relationship feels like one long episode of Downton Abbey, except you’re always cast as the butler?

Narcissists have a way of turning even the strongest, sassiest among us into their personal valet—polishing their egos, fluffing their pillows, and all but ironing their socks.

If the words “Can you just…” have become your personal theme song, it’s time to recognize some classic moves from the narcissist playbook. Here’s what to watch for (and how to wriggle out of that lopsided apron).

1 The Guilt Trip Express

Narcissists rarely travel light. Suitcase packed? Check. Extra shoes? Check. An endless supply of guilt trips? Oh, absolutely.

Nothing motivates like the threat of disappointment, and your average narcissist can sling a guilt trip with more flair than your gran at Christmas.

The message: “If you really cared, you’d do it for me.” They’ll sigh, look wounded, and insist you’re the only one who can help, making you feel like a monster if you say no. Suddenly, you’re apologizing for not reading their mind. Again.

A little tip: Healthy relationships don’t run on guilt. If your boundaries are constantly getting steamrolled because you can’t bear to see that pout, it might be time to practice saying “Not today, Satan.”

2 The Martyr Routine

If there were an Olympic event for self-sacrifice, the narcissist would take home gold, silver, and bronze (not that they’d let you forget it).

Martyrdom is all about positioning themselves as the long-suffering hero. “I do so much for you!” becomes their battle cry, even if this alleged ‘doing’ mostly involves reminding you what a burden you are.

The more you accept their version of events, the more you feel obligated to keep sacrificing, just to even the score.

Spot the pattern: Are you always “repaying” favors you never asked for? If the scales never seem balanced, it’s probably because they keep moving the weights.

3 Gaslighting Gymnastics

One minute, you’re sure you saw them eat your leftovers. Next, they’re insisting you never even had leftovers—maybe you dreamt it, or you’re just “so forgetful, babe.”

Gaslighting is a signature narcissist move. By rewriting history, denying your reality, or questioning your memory, they make you doubt your sanity.

A confused partner is an obedient partner; it’s hard to challenge someone when you can’t trust your own mind.

Anchor yourself with notes, texts, or even the occasional voice memo. If you start to notice reality shifting every time you bring up a grievance, you’re not losing your marbles—the game is just rigged.

4 Love Bombing Followed by Withdrawal

The classic push-pull. One day, you’re the apple of their eye: flowers, compliments, actual enthusiasm for your existence. The next, you’re met with a cold shoulder and radio silence so intense you’d think you’d been banished.

Turns out, the promise of affection is a powerful leash. They’ll shower you with love to hook you in, making you feel treasured—and then yank it away the moment you start to feel secure.

The craving to get that warmth back keeps you firmly in their service, jumping through hoops just to be noticed again.

Notice how much your mood depends on their approval. If you’re constantly trying to win back affection you never truly lost, their plan is working.

5 The Moving Goalposts Game

Ever tried to win a game where the rules change every five minutes? That’s living with a narcissist.

Maybe last week you were praised for loading the dishwasher “just right,” but this week you’re accused of caring more about rinsing than about them. The standards for your “success” are always shifting, and you can never quite measure up.

The only way to keep them happy? Keep guessing, keep trying, keep over-delivering.

Here’s the deal: Standards that change to keep you off-balance aren’t about improvement. They’re about keeping you trapped.

6 Triangulation Tactics

When it comes to drama, a narcissist loves a supporting cast. Enter triangulation: bringing in a third party (real or imagined) to make you feel jealous, inferior, or always needing to prove yourself.

Maybe they mention how their friend’s partner “never forgets a birthday,” or how their coworker gets them in a way you don’t. The message is clear: You’re replaceable, so you better up your game.

Suddenly, you’re working overtime just to compete with ghosts.

Refuse to play. If someone’s always comparing you to others, the problem is not with your performance—it’s with their need for control.

7 Emotional Withholding

Emotional support? Don’t get greedy now.

Narcissists are masters at rationing their affection, attention, and even basic decency. If you ask for reassurance or connection, they might go cold, act bored, or change the subject entirely.

The point is to make you work harder for scraps of validation.

Healthy love doesn’t hand out breadcrumbs. If you’re constantly starving for affection, it’s time to stop chasing the empty plate.

8 Rewriting Responsibility

Nothing spruces up a narcissist’s day like watching you apologize for things that are, objectively, not your fault.

Spilled milk? You “should have closed the lid tighter.” They lost their job? Clearly, it’s because you “distracted them with your problems.”

The goal? Keep you feeling responsible for their happiness (or misery) so you’re always working to fix something—preferably while they recline with a cup of tea.

If every conversation ends with you saying sorry, even when you can’t remember what for, consider whose needs are really being met.

9 Hoovering—The Return of the Charm

Nothing says “servant mode” like being yanked back every time you try to escape.

The narcissist, sensing you’re pulling away, whips out the vacuum cleaner and starts “hoovering”: dramatic apologies, promises of change, declarations of undying love—whatever it takes to reel you back in.

They might even conveniently recall all the things you’ve done for them, flattering you about your loyalty (“No one else would put up with me!”) just to get you back in line. The moment you’re safely returned to your post, the cycle resumes.

Resist the urge to be flattered by a charm offensive that only appears when you’re plotting your exit. You deserve more than a cameo in someone else’s redemption fantasy.

Breaking the Cycle—And Reclaiming Your Spot on the Couch

Recognizing these tactics is the first step to getting out of servant mode—and back into a partnership that actually feels like, well, a partnership.

Start by noticing patterns without judgment. Set small, achievable boundaries; you don’t have to launch a rebellion overnight. Whether it’s saying “I need to think about that” or “I don’t remember it that way,” a little pushback goes a long way.

Support from friends, a therapist, or even your dog (they always know) can help boost your confidence. Most of all, remember: love should never feel like a second job you didn’t apply for.

Take off the apron. Someone else can iron their own socks.