9 Narcissist Red Flags You’re Just a Pawn to Them

Congratulations! You’ve spotted someone in your life who thinks the sun rises and sets purely to illuminate their reflection in the mirror.

Whether you’re dating, married, or just trying to survive Sunday lunch with someone who acts like the main character in every story, you deserve to know when you’re being used as a pawn in someone else’s narcissistic chess game.

Let’s lift the curtain on these nine unmistakable signs—no therapy degree required.

1 Constant Conversations About Themselves

Ever tried to share a story about your day, only to have it snatched away and rerouted back to their latest heroic act at work or the epic injustice from their barista? Welcome to the narcissist’s favorite sport: monologuing.

A narcissist isn’t just self-absorbed; they’re Olympic-level at turning every chat into a highlight reel starring themselves. Your feelings or experiences are there merely to set up their punchlines.

Next time you realize you haven’t finished a sentence in 45 minutes, consider this your red flag waving.

2 Emotional Support? Only If It’s About Them

Everyone likes a bit of support now and then. Narcissists, though, approach this with one rule: your tears or triumphs are only valid if they can piggyback on their own narrative.

Try expressing worry or excitement, and you’ll see the conversation boomerang right back—suddenly your bad day is eclipsed by their catastrophic week, or your big win becomes a footnote to their “even bigger” achievement.

Feeling like your emotional needs are background noise? That’s no accident.

3 The Grand Entrance and Swift Disappearance

In the early days, you’ll feel like you’ve won the emotional lottery. Love bombing, extravagant promises, possibly even some grand confessions under mood lighting.

But once they’ve secured your interest (and affection), it’s Houdini time.

That whirlwind attention? Gone with yesterday’s weather. Suddenly, you’re chasing crumbs of kindness, left wondering if you imagined the emotional fireworks.

If affection is only given to hook you, then pulled away when you need it, you’re not a partner—you’re a pawn.

4 Criticism Served With a Side of Gaslighting

Narcissists are connoisseurs of criticism—particularly when it’s directed at you. Your outfits, your opinions, your laugh, the way you butter your toast—nothing is immune.

But if you dare question their behavior or ask for something different? Enter the gaslighting.

Suddenly, you’re “too sensitive,” “misunderstanding,” or the real problem in the relationship. Before long, you’re doubting your own memories and tiptoeing around their moods.

If every disagreement morphs into an existential referendum on your sanity, grab that red flag and wave it high.

5 Your Boundaries Are Suggestions, Not Rules

Boundaries in a healthy relationship are the invisible fences that keep things respectful. To a narcissist, they’re more like speed bumps—annoying, occasionally acknowledged, but mostly ignored.

Say you need alone time, or ask them not to go through your phone. Watch how quickly those limits are bulldozed. They’ll call you “paranoid,” “cold,” or accuse you of hiding something.

If your boundaries are treated like optional extras, you’re not in a partnership—you’re in a power struggle you never signed up for.

6 The Chameleon Act Around Others

Ever notice how they morph in social situations? At home, they’re moody or dismissive. But out in public, they’re the life of the party—charming, witty, and apparently, your devoted soulmate.

Narcissists are experts at image management. It’s not about genuine connection, but about playing a role for maximum applause. If it feels like you’re dating Jekyll and Hyde, and only one version gets to meet your friends, take note.

If their public persona is flawless but you get the emotionally stingy version, that’s not romance—it’s reputation maintenance.

7 Every Favor Comes With Strings Attached

Narcissists love to keep score, but only when they’re winning. Do them a favor, and you’ll hear about it for months—or until they need something else.

Ask for reciprocity, though, and suddenly they’ve misplaced their calendar, car keys, and capacity to care.

Generosity isn’t in their vocabulary unless there’s a trophy at the end. If support always comes with an invoice (literal or emotional), you’re not a cherished partner; you’re part of the supply chain.

8 The Never-Ending Drama Cycle

Ever feel like life with them is one soap opera after another? From epic arguments over trivia to silent treatments that could give the coldest winter a run for its money, their drama meter is permanently set to “full blast.”

Narcissists thrive on chaos—it keeps you distracted and off-balance, not to mention too exhausted to challenge their antics. If every week ends with a tearful showdown or a melodramatic exit, your emotional energy is being siphoned for their entertainment.

9 Apologies That Aren’t Really Apologies

On those rare occasions they “apologize,” pay attention. Is it a genuine “I’m sorry,” or something more like, “I’m sorry you feel that way”? Or better yet, “I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t make me.”

Real apologies take ownership and show remorse. The narcissist’s version simply reassigns blame and keeps the spotlight on how unfair this all is for them.

If an apology only leaves you feeling more guilty or confused, it’s not an apology—it’s manipulation in a gift box.

Don’t Settle for Pawn Status

Spotting these red flags isn’t about diagnosing anyone or launching a full-blown intervention. It’s about protecting your peace (and maybe your phone battery from endless text rants).

No one deserves to be a background character in their own relationship, even if your partner thinks they’re starring in an Oscar-worthy drama.

If this list sounds a little too familiar, take stock. Start by reclaiming little bits of space for yourself—call a friend who actually listens, journal out your thoughts, or just take a guilt-free afternoon off from their rollercoaster.

Real relationships should add to your life, not drain the living daylights out of you.

Choose partnership with someone who sees you as more than a pawn. That’s not too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum.