7 Ways Narcissist Men Hoover Exes Back

Relationships with narcissists: the gift that keeps on giving, like glitter in your carpet or relatives who never get the hint.

Just when you think you’ve made a clean break, here he comes again, like a bad Wi-Fi signal, trying to worm his way back into your life.

This relentless pursuit even has a name: “hoovering.” Yes, like the vacuum. Only instead of cleaning up, he’s sucking you back into a mess.

If you’ve ever stared at your phone in disbelief at a late-night message from an ex who once told you your needs were “a lot,” you know the drill.

And for the record, you’re not “a lot”—he’s just “not enough,” at least in the emotional maturity department. Here’s the playbook narcissist men run when they’re trying to hoover you right back in.

1. The Apology That’s Not Really an Apology

Narcissist men and apologies are like oil and water—they just don’t mix. But when it’s time to hoover, suddenly he’s auditioning for a role in a soap opera.

Expect “I’m sorry if you felt hurt,” or “Mistakes were made.” Will you get a genuine, full-throated apology that acknowledges what actually happened? Only if pigs are taking flying lessons out back.

The aim here is to lure you in with the illusion of remorse, while carefully sidestepping any real responsibility. It’s like someone apologizing for stepping on your foot while still standing on it.

What to do: If his apology feels as sincere as a politician’s campaign promise, trust your gut. Watch for evasive language and apologies that center his feelings, not yours.

2. The Sudden Declaration of Everlasting Love

Weeks, months, or years of emotional neglect? What emotional neglect? Suddenly, he’s Shakespeare with a smartphone, flooding your inbox with messages about how you’re “the one that got away.”

He might wax poetic about “the connection we had” or how he’s “never felt this way before”—conveniently forgetting he claimed you were “overreacting” when you asked him to remember your birthday.

This technique is all about nostalgia and rose-tinted memory. If it feels like he’s rewriting your love story for his own Netflix pitch, you’re not wrong.

What to do: When you get this love-bombing barrage, recall the real history, not the one he’s curating. Check your receipts—literal and emotional.

3. The Damsel-in-Distress Routine

Irony alert: the man who once told you to “toughen up” is suddenly in desperate need of your help. Maybe he’s “going through the hardest time,” or his world has fallen apart since you left.

He might even toss in how “no one understands me the way you do.”

The goal? Guilt-trip express, now boarding. If you’re a human with empathy, this can be a tough one. He’ll tug those heartstrings until you’re playing a sad ukulele tune.

What to do: Compassion is a virtue, but ask yourself: did he ever offer genuine support when you needed it? Not every crisis is your call to action.

4. The Social Media Spectacle

Brace yourself for the digital fireworks. He might suddenly start posting cryptic quotes about lost love, photos of places you went together, or—if he’s feeling bold—a classic “TBT” featuring the two of you.

The comments section becomes a stage. Friends and exes alike join in. Is he single? Is he heartbroken? Is he trying to win you back with a filtered selfie and a Drake lyric? The answer is yes.

The real magic here is making you question your resolve. After all, if he’s broadcasting his pain or transformation to the world, maybe he’s changed?

What to do: Social media is where narcissists win Oscars. Resist the urge to read between the lines. Or, better yet, mute, block, restrict—whatever helps you sleep at night.

5. The “I’ve Changed” Monologue

Self-awareness has never been his strong suit, but now he’s returned from his metaphorical mountain retreat, claiming enlightenment. He’s read books, gone to therapy (once), or listened to a podcast that “really made him think.”

Suddenly, his entire personality is under renovation—at least, until your guard is down. He’ll pepper conversations with therapy buzzwords and self-improvement jargon, hoping you mistake self-help memes for actual growth.

This performance is only convincing if you haven’t heard it before…or the time before that.

What to do: True change shows up in consistent actions, not grand declarations. If it looks like a rerun, you already know the ending.

6. The Mutual Friends Infiltration

Narcissists love an audience, and your friends are now part of the show. Suddenly, he’s showing up at group hangouts, messaging your mates, or “accidentally” bumping into you at your favorite spots.

He might drop hints about how much he misses you to anyone who’ll listen, or ask your friends to “put in a good word.” Next thing you know, you’re getting texts that say, “He’s really changed!” Because, of course, he’s charming in public.

By using mutual friends, he’s hoping you’ll soften or at least get curious. If he can’t reach you directly, he’ll work on your social circle.

What to do: Brief your inner circle. Good friends know when they’re being recruited for a cause. And if you need to, draw those friendship boundaries with a Sharpie.

7. The Unpredictable “Coincidence” Encounters

Ever feel like you’re living in a rom-com, but without the charming soundtrack? He’s popping up at places you frequent, liking old photos, sending “just thinking about you” messages out of the blue.

Maybe he runs into you at your favorite café or gym—purely by accident, he swears. The aim is to keep himself top of mind, and to make you wonder if fate is nudging you together (spoiler: it’s not fate, just a Grade-A lack of boundaries).

These encounters are designed to disrupt your sense of closure. If you seem happy and thriving, he’ll up the ante.

What to do: Patterns don’t lie. If “coincidences” keep happening, you’re not paranoid. Consider mixing up your routine or, if needed, going full ghost mode.

When Hoovering Isn’t About You—It’s About Control

Narcissist men rarely hoover for love. It’s about testing the door, checking if you’ll let them back in, proving they still have access.

If you answer, it boosts their ego. If you don’t, they might move on—at least until the next cycle.

Hoovering can leave you wondering if you’re the unreasonable one, or if he genuinely means it this time. Spoiler alert: healthy relationships don’t require psychic powers to decode basic intentions.

Practical tip: Write down the reasons you walked away, and revisit them when nostalgia strikes. Keep your support squad close. You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not crazy.

Dodging the Vacuum and Reclaiming Your Space

Narcissists hoover because it works—sometimes.

With every unanswered text or ignored DM, you’re setting a boundary. And boundaries, though not nearly as fun as revenge shopping, are the real superpower here.

You deserve more than rinse and repeat drama with a man who treats relationships like a revolving door. Watch for the patterns, trust your gut, and keep moving forward—preferably with both shoes on and dignity intact.

And if he ever tries the “Hey stranger…” text again? There’s an app for that: it’s called “Block.”