7 Signs a Narcissist is Losing Control

Ever wondered how to tell when the self-appointed king or queen of the universe is starting to lose their grip?

When the narcissist’s carefully curated world begins to crack, the signs aren’t always as obvious as a supermarket tantrum—though, honestly, sometimes it’s pretty close.

Here’s what starts to show when the mask slips, and what you can expect if you’re on the receiving end of the performance.

1. The Charm Goes Out the Window

Remember in the early days, when your narcissist could charm the socks off your grandma and still have energy left for a dazzling story at dinner?

Those days start evaporating faster than free snacks at a work meeting.

When control is threatened, that practiced charm fizzles out. Instead of flattery and smooth talk, you’re treated to snippy remarks, eye rolls, or outright coldness.

Their patience for pretending—gone. If you suddenly find yourself missing the “nice” version, don’t worry. That act was only ever on loan, anyway.

2. Tantrums Hit Adult Levels

We’re not talking about a toddler’s pout. This is a full-body, verbal hurricane where decibel levels approach air raid siren.

A narcissist who feels power slip away might escalate every minor disagreement into a drama worthy of a daytime Emmy.

Yelling, slamming doors, melodramatic exits—it’s all part of the package. Even text messages get spicier (and we’re not talking romance).

It’s rarely about the actual subject. More often, it’s a desperate attempt to grab back the spotlight and bully you into submission.

3. Victimhood Becomes Their Favorite Outfit

There’s a sudden shift: yesterday they were the hero, today they’re the misunderstood, mistreated martyr.

Notice how every conversation circles back to how hard they have it? Everyone’s against them—bosses, friends, neighbors, Amazon customer service. If you dare to set a boundary, prepare for guilt trips longer than a cross-country train ride.

The goal? To guilt you out of your boundaries, and back into orbit around their ego.

4. Gaslighting Kicks Into Overdrive

If you thought you were losing your marbles before, wait till a narcissist senses their hold slipping.

Facts are rewritten, timelines blurred, and suddenly, you’re apologizing for things you didn’t even do. The more desperate a narcissist is to regain control, the more intense and bizarre their gaslighting becomes.

Expect “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “You’re too sensitive,” to roll off their tongue with Olympic-level skill. Reality will feel like quicksand—if you let them.

5. Smear Campaigns Get Launched

That charming person your friends used to adore? They’re suddenly whispering tales of your “irrational” behavior to anyone who will listen.

A narcissist losing control will try to turn the audience in their favor. Friends, family—sometimes even your own dog. Social media can become the battlefield, with cryptic posts or straight-up lies.

The aim? Isolate you, cast themselves as the innocent, and keep control by proxy. It’s exhausting, but it’s their favorite hobby when the steam runs out.

6. Hoovering Like a Pro

Picture this: you’re trying to move on, and suddenly, the narcissist is back with grand gestures, promises, maybe even a sheepish apology (with all the sincerity of a discount greeting card).

This is “hoovering”—sucking you back in when they sense you’re really leaving.

The tactics might range from love bombing, surprise gifts, or dramatic declarations of newfound self-awareness. Maybe even tears. (Oscar-worthy, but don’t bother buying tickets.)

It’s all about regaining control, not genuine change. Keep a firm grip on your boundaries and your common sense.

7. Paranoia and Blame Skyrocket

With power slipping through their fingers, a narcissist’s trust goes out the window. Suddenly, everyone’s out to get them. They’re convinced you’re plotting, friends are disloyal, and coworkers are conspiring.

The finger-pointing ramps up. Every problem—big or small—is somehow your fault. Lost keys? Clearly sabotage. Someone else’s bad mood? Obviously, your influence.

Their world shrinks, and suspicion fills every corner. It’s not personal; it’s just their panic showing.

What to Do When the Mask Slips

If reading this made you nod so hard your neck hurts, take heart: you’re not imagining things, and this pattern is as old as time (or at least as old as family group chats).

Staying calm when the drama reaches fever pitch isn’t always easy. But remember—a narcissist’s power fizzles when their audience stops clapping.

Here are a few ways to keep your sanity while their mask does the cha-cha:

• Keep your boundaries clear and boring. Don’t engage in the drama. Grey rock if you have to—be as interesting as a tax form.
• Don’t waste time arguing. They’re not looking for logic, just fuel for the fire.
• Reach out to friends who know the real story. You’ll need a support squad when the smear campaign starts.
• Document important interactions if things get nasty, especially in co-parenting or work settings. Narcissists have short memories (for things that inconvenience them).
• Most importantly, remind yourself you’re not “too sensitive” or “crazy.” That’s just the static of a control freak losing their remote.

When the Show is Over

Living with or loving a narcissist can feel like being trapped in a soap opera where you’re cast as the villain. But when the curtain finally falls and the show is over, freedom tastes so much sweeter.

Spotting the signs means you’re already ahead of the game. Stay steady, keep your sense of humor, and don’t be afraid to ask for backup.

The curtain may be closing on their act, but your story is just warming up.