7 Narcissist’s Signs They Never Loved You (Just Used You)
Romance with a narcissist is a bit like finding a chocolate chip cookie and realizing too late it’s full of raisins. It looked good, smelled sweet, but you’re left wondering why your mouth is full of regret.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re replaying the greatest hits of your relationship and asking yourself: were those lyrics ever about love, or was it just a clever remix by a narcissist who needed a backup dancer?
If your gut keeps circling back to that question, let’s pull back the velvet curtain on seven classic signs they didn’t actually love you—they just loved what you could do for them.
1. The Emotional Vending Machine Routine
Remember when your partner only appeared when they needed a pep talk, a confidence boost, or someone to help them pick out their new “going out” shirt?
Every time you dispensed affection or support, they’d light up (for a moment), then vanish the second you needed anything back.
Genuine love is a two-way street, not a drive-through window where your value is measured by how quickly you can deliver emotional fries. Feeling like an on-call therapist is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic relationships.
If your needs were consistently dismissed, or you were met with eye rolls and sighs at the mere suggestion of support, odds are you were being used as emotional scaffolding. Not exactly the romantic foundation anyone dreams about.
2. Grand Gestures, Zero Substance
Narcissists adore looking like the hero. Early on, you might have been swept off your feet by over-the-top gifts, declarations, or Insta-worthy “spontaneous” trips.
The catch? All the fireworks had more to do with how things looked, not how things felt.
If they posted more about your anniversary dinner than they spoke to you during it, there’s your sign. Love with a narcissist is often all about optics: the grand gesture that makes them look devoted, not the consistent actions that prove genuine care.
When the stage lights fade and it’s just the two of you—crickets. Unless someone’s watching, they’re not performing.
3. Your Flaws, Their Favorite Weapon
Ever notice how your smallest missteps get amplified to stadium-level drama, while theirs get swept under the rug?
Whether it was forgetting to buy milk or making a harmless joke at a party, your imperfections became the opening act for their lecture tour on “How You Should Be Grateful.”
Narcissists have a PhD in blame-shifting. Love isn’t weaponized to keep someone small or apologetic.
If your partner seemed more invested in keeping you off-balance than building you up, it’s a safe bet they were protecting their ego, not your heart.
4. The Miraculous Disappearing Act
Remember all those times you needed them, and they suddenly became busier than a barista at Monday morning rush hour? Family emergency? Busy.
Big opportunity at work? They’re “working late.” A bad case of the sniffles? Suddenly, they’re allergic to empathy.
Consistently bailing when you’re struggling isn’t accidental. It’s a feature, not a bug. Narcissists show up when they need something, but when you’re the one in need?
They pull a Houdini worthy of applause—if emotional abandonment got standing ovations, that is.
5. Your Stuff is their Stuff, Your Achievements Are “Ours”
Narcissists struggle with boundaries the same way toddlers struggle with self-restraint at a lolly jar. Did your belongings mysteriously become “shared,” but you needed a permission slip to use anything of theirs?
Did your successes quickly morph into “Wow, look what WE did,” but your failures remained firmly stamped with just your name?
A loving partner celebrates you for you. A narcissist wants credit, access, and any benefit up for grabs.
And if you start noticing that your accomplishments are being broadcast as their own, don’t be surprised if your setbacks are pinned to your shirt alone. Sharing is caring—unless it’s only ever one way.
6. Apologies Are Endangered Species
Think back: how many sincere apologies did you get from this person? Not the “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or the Oscar-worthy performance that ended with you comforting them.
Actual, honest-to-goodness, “I messed up and I’m going to fix it” apologies.
Narcissists don’t admit fault easily. Accountability is the garlic to their emotional vampire. When love is genuine, there’s room for humility and growth.
Instead, if you found yourself apologizing just to keep the peace, or if every “talk” left you feeling like the villain in their latest drama, you were likely in a relationship with someone who cared more about self-preservation than connection.
7. The Feedback Loop from Hell
Healthy partnerships thrive on feedback and mutual growth. With a narcissist, try offering a gentle suggestion—then brace yourself for a monologue about your many inadequacies, delivered with the subtlety of a marching band.
Were your concerns met with mockery, stonewalling, or counterattacks that left your head spinning? Constructive feedback doesn’t trigger a meltdown or prompt a week-long cold shoulder.
If your attempts to have a real conversation left you feeling invisible or, worse, like you’d committed a crime, there’s a good chance you were starring in their one-man show, “Why My Needs Matter More.”
Reclaiming Your Heart (And Your Sanity)
If you read these signs and felt an uncomfortable number of bells ring, take a deep breath. Realizing you were used isn’t easy. Nobody dreams of being a prop in someone else’s self-glorification parade.
But here’s the good news: you’re not a prop. You’re not a vending machine, a trophy, or a scapegoat.
Getting wise to narcissistic patterns is the beginning of something better—a life where your love, effort, and quirks land somewhere they’re cherished.
It starts with recognizing the difference between being loved and being used, between being seen and being useful.
Tonight, treat yourself to a cup of tea, a stiff drink, or a long laugh with a mate who gets it. Give yourself permission to mourn the love you deserved but didn’t receive.
Then, little by little, start giving that love to yourself.
No one gets their time back from a narcissist, but you can absolutely take back your future. And let’s be honest, your dance card’s open for someone who wants to dance with you—not just stand in the spotlight alone.
You’re worth the real deal. Never, ever settle for raisins again.
