10 Narcissist Hoovering Tricks That Pull You Back

Ever felt like you managed to escape the chaos of a narcissistic relationship, only to find yourself sucked right back in—sometimes with the force of a Dyson on steroids? That, my friend, is classic hoovering.

Narcissists are pros at reeling you back in with manipulative antics that would make a telenovela villain jealous.

Here’s a deep dive into the most common tricks they use, why they work, and—most importantly—how to shut the vacuum off for good.

1. Fake Emergencies and Sudden Crises

The narcissist’s first order of business: manufacture a disaster that only you can fix. Think: “I’m in the hospital and nobody else answered,” or, “I accidentally adopted a family of raccoons and they’re destroying my flat—help!”

It doesn’t matter how wild the emergency is. The goal here is simple: to tug at your empathy and sense of responsibility.

Recognize that this is a tactic, not a genuine need. If you rush in, you’re telling them you’re still on call for their drama. Next time, ask yourself: are you the only person on planet Earth who can rescue them? (Spoiler: you’re not.)

2. Love Bombing Like It’s Going Out of Style

Remember those early days when you felt like the lead in a sappy romance flick? Brace yourself, because they’re bringing it back.

Dramatic declarations, showering you with affection, endless apologies, and promises of a fairy-tale future. It’s all part of the act.

Don’t let nostalgia cloud your judgment. Love bombing is a manipulation—think of it as a sugar rush that always ends in a crash.

If their sudden devotion seems too good to be true, that’s your cue to keep your guard up and stock up on metaphorical insulin.

3. Sudden Transformations and “I’ve Changed” Proclamations

Now comes the grand announcement: “I’ve seen the light!” The narcissist claims to have undergone a profound metamorphosis, usually complete with self-help book quotes and maybe a few yoga classes for good measure.

Here’s the kicker: when genuine change happens, it’s consistent and comes with time. Slapping a new label on the same old behavior doesn’t count.

Wait for lasting action, not just sparkly promises or a suspiciously clean Instagram feed.

4. Reminiscing About the Good Old Days

Nostalgia: the most dangerous drug in the narcissist’s toolkit. Suddenly, they’re a master at reminiscing—bringing up inside jokes, old photos, or that one perfect holiday by the sea.

It’s classic emotional bait. While you’re busy reliving the highlight reel, you might forget about the behind-the-scenes footage (read: all that gaslighting and chaos).

Keep the rose-colored specs off; focus on the full story, not just the curated clips.

5. Playing the Victim Like an Oscar Nominee

Time for the waterworks. Narcissists love flipping the script, positioning themselves as the misunderstood underdog. Maybe they’re suddenly orphaned kittens in a storm, with a four-page monologue about all the ways you’ve wronged them.

Don’t buy into the guilt trip. Compassion is great; self-sacrifice, not so much. If every single story ends with them as the suffering hero, ask yourself who’s always left cleaning up the mess (Hint: it’s you).

6. Mutual Connections and “Bumping Into” You

Is it a coincidence that your narcissistic ex suddenly appears at your favorite brunch spot? Or that mutual friends are now dropping hints about how much they miss you? Hardly. This is strategic.

Narcissists often use mutual connections as go-betweens—sometimes even roping them in unknowingly.

Keep your support network in the loop. Make it clear where you stand, and don’t feel obligated to explain yourself to the peanut gallery. If your local coffee shop starts feeling like a haunted house, maybe it’s time to switch up your routine.

7. Breadcrumbing with Random Messages

A rogue “Hey stranger” text at 2am, a meme sent out of the blue, or a casual like on your holiday snaps—these are breadcrumbs. Little nuggets tossed your way to see if you’ll nibble.

These messages rarely mean anything genuine. They’re designed to keep you emotionally invested, waiting for more.

No need to reply with a three-paragraph essay. Silence or a polite thumbs-up emoji works wonders.

8. Apology Tours with a Side of Excuses

Prepare for apologies that come with a twist.

These aren’t the “I messed up and I’m learning” kind. Instead, you’ll get, “Sorry I hurt you, but you have to admit you were being dramatic.” Or, “I only cheated because I felt neglected.”

Notice how the blame always boomerangs back to you? An apology with a hidden agenda is still manipulation. Hold out for the real deal—or just hold out for your own peace and quiet.

9. Using Family, Kids, or Pets as Pawns

If you share children, pets, or even just a beloved houseplant, brace yourself. Narcissists will use any shared responsibility as a reason to reconnect.

Suddenly, there’s confusion about the vet appointment or an “urgent” question about your child’s soccer practice.

Set clear boundaries. Communicate through neutral channels if possible.

When the conversation veers into personal territory, steer it back to the logistics. Your child (or ficus) doesn’t need to be a pawn in their game.

10. The Disappearing Act Followed by Sudden Reappearance

Ghosting, then popping up like an uninvited magician—this trick is designed to keep you off balance. Just when you think it’s safe, they reappear with a dramatic flourish, acting like nothing happened.

Healthy relationships don’t involve vanishing acts. If someone only shows up when they want something, treat their reappearance like you would a telemarketer call—send it straight to voicemail.

Reclaiming Your Power (and Your Sanity)

Spotting these hoovering tricks is half the battle. The other half? Trusting yourself not to fall for them. Boundaries are your best friend.

Decide what you’ll tolerate, communicate it clearly, and—this is the tough part—stick to it, even when the narcissist turns up the heat.

Remind yourself why you left. Make a list, tattoo it on your soul, keep it on your fridge—whatever works. Connect with people who support your boundaries and don’t mind reminding you why you deserve better.

Remember, narcissists are masters of performance, but you’re not required to sit front row for the encore.

Grab some popcorn and watch from a safe distance. The real show is your own life, starring you—finally free from the vacuum cleaner.